Here I am…

For a long time, I have been sitting in my life;
figuring out what I am doing.
For a long time I have been feeling myself through
past pain and current perspectives. Seeing what I am thinking;
Seeing what I have been believing that has led me
down those paths I find myself on today.

There was a time when I decided I wanted to start a blog…
Upon digging deeper, I learned that a Podcast was another option.

This idea terrified me greatly. I had no idea how I could do that.
Who did I think I was, that I would have something to say?
Something worth saying? Worth Sharing? Worth someone else
hearing or reading???

That was several years ago… and yet the lies that tell me that what I have
is worth nothing to the outside world still whisper in my ear.
But the difference is, I don’t have to listen anymore.
Sometimes I still do entertain these unhelpful dialogues…
but often, and maybe more often than not, I listen to the counter
to these thoughts.

I hear myself respond back that it is not perfection that spreads love;
it is not expertise that heals old wounds;
it is not having the right words or the right anything…

So much of life is just SHOWING UP… Just choosing to show up as we are today.
Showing up with our wounds and our scabs and our scars.
Being willing to be seen helps other humans in the world
to see themselves and their wounds and scabs and scars and stretch marks
and not revile but realize that they bring belonging not shame.
They bring beauty, not disgrace.

I have silenced myself the past two years more often than not in this space
while I ride the waves of my life.
And in doing so, I can say that I want to continue the journey
and to love myself, past, present and future, through all that comes
and also, everything that came before.

I realize that I have such a hard time allowing growth not to render
my former experiences inferior or shameful.
And I didn’t even realize I was doing it.

As I find myself coaching my growing boys more and more through
their own struggles of living this experience we call life
I find myself coaching myself and recognizing so many things
that I thought I saw clearly, I was hiding from myself.

I am going to both return here more often,
to show up as I am
and continue to show up in my life for myself.

Thoughts that I have been practicing that have been so helpful are:

I have my back.
I have nothing to prove.
I can do hard things,
Failure is a part of success.
Feeling this won’t hurt me.

These are not affirmations in the sense that they are not things I hope to believe.
These are thoughts I do believe, but I forget to practice thinking.
When I forget to practice helpful thoughts, my lizard brain dominates my thinking
and I am left at the mercy of the fearful thoughts of a brain in fight or flight trying
to protect me.

I know that I can set myself up for success and that my life is beautiful as it is.

I love where I am at and appreciate where I have been because it brought me here.
I will enjoy where I am going but I will stay here in this moment often, so I can relish in
the beauty of my very, very real life right here and now.