Poem by Holly Ann Kasper
3/17/2022
What can I even say?
Can I get out of my way?
Can I let myself shine bright;
Not blend into the night?
If I show up raw and real,
Just how will it all feel?
Will I scare them all away?
Will they laugh?
What will they say?
Should I doctor how I speak,
So I don’t show up so weak?
Talk more softly, not so loud…
So I wash into the crowd?
If they hear me
And they scoff…
If they see me and they cringe…
Will I cave into my pit?
Can I handle all of it?
I think about how I show up
And feel every single thought…
As they race between my bones,
And scream that I’m alone.
Alone inside this struggle;
Spinning in my agony.
There’s a lie that keeps me haunted,
Traps it all inside of me.
But wait…
This they that I’m so scared of
Is not really truly there.
It is here inside my body;
It’s my mind I try to bare.
For the judgement I projected
Is NOT in the outside world.
It’s the lies that had been planted
When I was just a little girl.
There are silent voices painting
In our culture cloaked in white…
Planting seeds we never asked for;
Twisting what we see as right.
Though I can’t un-paint the painting;
I can meet that girl inside…
I can show her how to garden,
So she doesn’t want to hide.
I can be a louder voice;
I can be an artist too;
One who shines and paints the canvas
With the colors that are true.
When I feel it with surrender,
I let go of all the lies…
And the ropes that I let go of
That I thought had had me tied.
Then I see me as I am;
And my vision becomes clearer…
And the voice I thought was broken
Draws me in a little nearer.
Then I can really see me
And I see…
I have always been so tough;
And I can show up in the world
Knowing deeply I’m enough.
With a shovel and a paint brush
And a spirit that is free…
May more women drop their ropes
And choose to paint how they will see.
May we each find our soul sisters;
And together may we find
That we paint a little brighter;
Tame the gardens of our Minds…