There are so many things.
Things that I love.
Things that scare me.
Things I despise.
Things that send my body and mind spinning,
We are all facing so many things right now.
And no matter how much we try; we can’t control so much of what we mentally consume.
I was vacuuming today and listening to a podcast episode in which the speaker was talking about Burnout (Thank you again Kara Loewentheil), and she was mentioning just the (then) most recent things in the world that were
adding to the mental and emotional load that us humans face.
It caught me by surprise… which is funny, because it shouldn’t have in theory. What it was that I faced was the realization that, since the publication of that podcast episode, several more current (but not any less pressing) stressors were draining my mental and emotional energy. Bear with me, as that sounds like a “duh” moment.
My point is, I realized that my brain has been practicing the thought lately that “the world is insane”. It’s been practicing the thought that “We are doomed” and “people are assholes” and “nothing and nowhere is safe”. My brain has been practicing thoughts like this and using the current circumstances to prove this true as though this current state is abnormal and cause for such heightened alarm that all hands must be on deck mentally, and I have to survive this; that I have to get to the other side; that I have to survive this insanity, and soon, if and when I do… then I can breathe; calm down; pursue rest and passions and connection.
But… every day, week, month and year, my brain can look at insane world circumstances and render this verdict. My brain can make a very powerful case for this at any point in time and has been very talented at not only doing this, but at tricking me into thinking that it’s worse than before, and that I haven’t been living there constantly under these lies and others like that it’s new and temporary and my responsibility somehow. It’s sometimes the obvious stuff that catches our attention and that’s what happened here. I realized something obvious, but it was something happening in my subconscious… you tricky toddler brain you!!!
I know my brain is trying to help. I do a lot of things, a lot of work in various ways in my life, to try to pursue healing and growth. To gain awareness and let go of what is not helping me. But it’s a constant unfolding. An undoing of programming that has been a part of my wiring for (some of it) my entire life. And I have to consciously remember to give myself grace. I have to take these moments and give myself permission and space more than I give myself homework assignments (or should’s). I have to listen to how I speak to myself and keep going deeper.
Things that happen now and a year ago and 10 years ago and whenever still matter,
…BUT they don’t have to run my life.
We are facing terrible news regularly and when I am at the mercy of these circumstances,
I give them permission to hijack the space in my already otherwise over-taxed mental capacitor.
This topic has me realizing how much I disregard my thresholds for capacity and press on. Facing more and more challenges in the world but alone in my head, in a mind-numbing nervous system response that is meant only for tigers attacking me directly, but it’s stuck in high gear and on autopilot.
I am grateful for the way my brain works, even though it can really complicate things sometimes. It’s a great system that can have substantial fallbacks due to the way our world works, and society is setup and so on.
I remember two years and 3 months ago, when the Covid-19 Pandemic unveiled itself to the world and my brain when haywire. It went haywire as though it hadn’t already been there even if more covert with prior circumstances. Understandably of course. I worked hard to combat the state of anxiety and stress it put me in and the spiral of emotions I was in for various reasons… worrying for loved ones; trying to protect the vulnerable; making choices for my mental health and that of my family; battling strong guilt and other storylines in my head for not suffering as much as others did; the divide of the country, and many in the world… and so on…
Then various incidents came on my radar of radical civil rights injustices, and I learned more about the oppression of black and brown people and people of various other marginalized identities in our country. I felt blind-sided by the hate and discrimination and humbled and ashamed of my own ignorant participation in oppression and racism by my privilege and programming I had not questioned or even realized existed.
Then more and more and more happened in the world… But the point is… all of these things matter, but they are not new. They are current at the time but not new in the sense that they are a part of the human race, humanity and the human experience. That doesn’t make them right or okay, but they are a part of the stories unfolding which overlap and crash into each other and from which we emerge.
The point is that these things are here and the control I do have is to take my own life and experience and live the hell out of it. I can allow myself to be humbled and feel all of the feelings that come up. I can ride the waves and I can try to be there for loved ones and others, but I don’t have to believe my brain when it says that this is dooms day, or that this is all there is.
I can remind myself of good and incredible things happening amidst all of that chaos and pain. And I can remember that whatever I believe, my brain will find evidence to support it. I can remember to practice curiosity and notice when I am clinging to thoughts and beliefs and get curious there as well. But I can also institute space for myself to not have to live perpetually on the mental treadmill of it all. I can allow downtime and rest so that my brain can get off the treadmill a little easier.
I cannot save the world. But I can be a part of a system that changes the world. I can contribute to the beautification of the world through healing. I can heal myself, so I spread love and less pain into the world. I can give myself constant permission to change. I can see the connection of my heart to the heartbeat of our planet and all of the life herein and I can breathe deeply for us all.
It’s brutally obvious to say that there is always difficulty in this human life; but very tangible to me right now to remember that there are many theoretically “true” thoughts I can think, but not all of them are helpful and if I actually want to live a life that I think is worthy of my presence and love itself I must remember to practice the thoughts that actually help me to spread love and healing.
This doesn’t mean I ignore pain or dismiss uncomfortable feelings. This doesn’t mean that I pretend the world is all sunshine and rainbows…
What it does mean is that I can meditate, and eat, and breathe. I can snuggle my kids and laugh and play. I can hug a friend and hold space for their pain and their joy. I can work to become one of the biggest cheerleaders of people daring to be different; of working to be themselves against all odds. I can shout for inclusion and try my best to stand against racism or discrimination and ableism and all the other things I have yet to learn about. I can learn more about what it means to be inclusive and the ways that I have not realized I have internalized unhelpful conditioning that gets in the way of this… that gets in the way of love. I can process old pain and apologize for the times I acted out of that pain. And I can forgive myself for my mistakes. I can show up for all versions of myself with radical love and acceptance so that I can begin to try to show up new ways in the world; for the world; for OUR world. I can also remember that truly learning to live with authentic humility means I don’t always have to have an opinion on things I am still ignorant about and instead I can sit with a spirit of inquiry in the puddle with those who have walked those paths and climbed those mountains and wish to share what they saw and felt and learned.
So today I will breathe, write from my heart, cry a little and laugh; I will snuggle my kids, walk my dog, and tell my husband I love and appreciate him. I’ll sit in silence and get curious about what’s happening in my body and mind. I’ll thank my body for taking me through this life and thank the source of my life for every breath I have been given. I will walk, run, read, listen, talk, laugh and spread every ounce of life I can in a circle that holds sacred what is beyond my control: this radically imperfect life…