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In this episode, I share yet another part of my story… a part that kept me in shame for a long time. I shared where I came from and where I am now, along with one tool I have used to help me move past the struggle toward healing and freedom. I give an example of rewriting a story and challenge you to do the same. Join me in this powerful work and live in freedom!
TRANSCRIPT:
The title of today’s post gives you an idea of what this is about. I will begin with a story from my past that shaped a belief I had for so much of my life. This belief interfered with me living my best life; like a lot of our thoughts do. The thoughts I had about this topic made it hard for me to find happiness and caused me a lot of struggle. The topics I will discuss surround my beliefs in God. How my ideas were formed, how I struggled with them, and eventually found freedom. I will then go on to discuss one of the tools I used to find freedom and peace in this area. The point here is not that you agree with me here, but that in sharing my story, I hope that I can encourage you to find peace and freedom from various stories in your life that have been unhelpful, hindering your peace and growth.
As mentioned, the area of my life where I have really struggled to be liberated and want to unpack before you is in the area of faith, and the tribal mentality; I want to talk about how it has affected the way I think about myself and the way I trap myself in my thoughts, feelings, words and actions.
I have had to deal with a LOT of shame around the ideas of God and religion. For me, there has been a lot of fear and anxiety and unworthiness in this area. The irony is that what I now truly believe about God, and my spiritual journey with God, is the opposite of the thoughts that produced that shame. Freedom and peace and the purest kind and deepest form of unconditional love cannot co-exist with shame.
I will be going deep here into my own beliefs, fears and vulnerabilities; and, depending on your past and background, you may get triggered here, relate heavily, or disagree heavily; or all of the above. It’s your choice to continue on and I won’t be offended if you like or dislike this; agree or totally disagree. I am not pushing beliefs on anybody, I am however just giving my story and hoping to give you a place where you can feel authentic and able to reflect on your own struggle and know that it’s not easy for anybody.
I grew up with an incredibly loving imperfect mom. She did her absolute best with where she was in life and what she had. She messed up but she was all in. She pushed hard and did more than almost anybody I can imagine would given the circumstances and her life’s events and thus her scaffolding and roots. She struggled, it was hard, and some of life broke her at times; which I am only beginning to be able to start to comprehend now, being a mother and just having lived through more of life. She tried so deeply to give us the love she wanted us to have and thought it would be great to know our father. She reached out to him and I met him, when I was 13. My father and mother split up when I was an infant and I wasn’t sure what to expect. I would have done anything he said, for the desire to be accepted by my dad. To have a dad. To go to the store and not envy with such a putrefying envy that bled into hatred over time, the girls whose fathers walked with them arm in arm. The girls who I saw as not realizing how blessed they were to have a dad who was there and really loved them. I legitimately hated them for their smirks to their dad’s comments or resistance to his attempts to connect, even though they were simply my interpretations. I hated them for my assumptions of how they were and how much I guessed they didn’t appreciate that connection.
When I flew to meet my father, he introduced me to his amazing family. I instantly felt expendable, expended; replaced. He introduced me to his girls, who were absolutely adorable and looked up to me more than I ever could understand why. My heart ached when I saw that they got to be what I perceived as a “whole” family and I clung to whatever my dad said. My dad told me about Jesus; but about his version of Jesus. He gave me a Bible and told me I needed to accept Jesus as my savior or I was going to Hell. He told me of the idea of sin and my human nature. He listed all the ways I was living in sin and needed to change. As I interpreted his message in his words, the meaning I attached to them sunk deep into my heart.
I am not trying to slam my dad here, and of course I’m paraphrasing through my own lens of experience… and this was 23 years ago, but this shaped my beliefs in God. From that experience my perception of God was one of a punitive and disappointed Father. One who would give me the love I was so desperately starved for, only conditionally and who I had to accept or face damnation.
I didn’t understand any of it. But I accepted these assessments from my thought world and implemented them into my internal narrative rapidly and without even knowing what was happening. I used what my story said, as interpreted through this new lens, to judge my past and my choices and my very way of thinking as being.
I was immediately immersed in shame and fear. It became a self-loathing and radically imprisoning time of my life as I felt in a prison. The crazy thing is, in all of this, I knew for myself that God was there. I felt him. That part made sense. I didn’t know there was a grey; I thought it was black and white and I had to accept all that my father said as truth or all of it as false. I didn’t realize he could be jaded and it was not just all complete truth. I took this perception further into my adolescence and my need for being fully accepted and loved became even more starved and forceful and that manifested in my choices.
I couldn’t handle the shame and loneliness anymore and I finally abandoned the attempts of being enough for this elusive God and dove into the world of Partying. I found this was an easy, albeit superficial way to connect with people. I learned that I could become a chameleon, to blend into their world and find some form of temporary synthetic relief from my malnourished heart. All the while, feeling the shame in my awareness and knowledge of the presence of my creator looming around me… but from my enemy narrative I saw God as judging me… being disappointed in me and appalled at my inability to live up to his standards.
As with all of us, my life took more shape and I made more twists and turns on my journey, some good and some bad; ultimately leading me toward exploring these depths. I read a book called the four agreements and I realized that despite what I thought I believed, without even knowing it, these deep-rooted thoughts that I had assimilated into my thought world were affecting every area of my life.
I was now faced with a very unknown strange type of fear. It was a fear that shook the security of my belief system but also showed a glimmer of hope in what it possibly seemed to offer me. A liberation; a possible path to true freedom from the shame; and yet a total hole in my belief systems upon which the majority of my core beliefs were based in.
I started to ponder and wrestle with God and the thoughts that controlled how I felt. What if there is a God, this God who had been around all along… but what if he didn’t look like the picture my father had painted for me so many years before??? What if he was trying to show himself to me for so long but I had been running in fear and shame; drowning without his REAL UNCONDITIONAL love and acceptance which was always right there for me? What if I could not only have a complete relationship with this God where I felt his loving acceptance all of the time, always connected and always accepted and loved fully, AND I completely void of the debilitating shame and fear that I had lived with for so long.
This exciting and terrifying seed of hope and fear started to grow. I was led down a long and windy road of growth and getting to know God without the curtain and the mask; and getting to know myself; I would wrestle and go from confused and angry into rest and trust; finding growth and wisdom in not knowing it all and not having to accept all that had been laid before me by other religious and spiritual leaders, or people like my father.
As I continued, I found freedom on the inside in some ways, but this wrestling also caused me some turmoil and to project this narrative and struggle on my external world. I started to search for a tribe; for a place that felt like this God I was getting to know was tangible. Where I would feel belonging and understanding and would be able to rest in truth without all of the rules and shame and judgment that controlled me and so many others. I was triggered to anger often almost instantly by Christian references of shame and of stories where people used the name of God to do ghastly and horrid things to other people. I know that Christianity is not the only place where God is a mask for condemning and controlling people, but this was my wound and it wasn’t yet healed, so naturally it evoked powerful responses in me at just the slightest relation to the ideas. I even considered whether I would want to be called a Christian anymore. I cried a lot, healing, mournful and fearful tears.
A lot of time has passed and although I am still wrestling, I am doing it from a place of trust. I trust God and I trust my path. I trust that I am where I am for a reason. I am growing more and more into a new place in this current stage of my life where I am realizing foundationally that no matter what we think, we are all on a different path. None of us believe the same about God (even among Christians) and for none of us will God be the same because his relationship is with each of us individual. Your faith is not mine and mine is not yours. Just as your marriage or parenting relationships among others are unique to you. I can find freedom in knowing that I won’t have all of the answers but where I find unconditional love and freedom, there I too find the fingerprints of God and his presence as well. I can see the paradigms that I felt tied to. I felt like I had to stay with these paradigms because the unknown was too scary, but that’s a part of it all. Accepting that I can’t control OR UNDERSTAND it all, I can embrace where God has me, as a choice, and I can accept where God has everyone and know that it’s different for each of us. But I can also share my story knowing that there are others out there who have found deep and ruthless struggle in this area and feel so trapped and alone. You are not alone. I’ve been there and am still working my way through it. It won’t always be pretty, but it will be worth it. Just as I have learned to celebrate the stretch marks that brought me growth so long ago, I can celebrate the path I have walked with struggle and growth in my relationship with God.
I found that the ideas I have had in my head about perfectionism and finding approval from people have been at odds. I had this limiting belief in my head that I needed to find approval from all of those in my life; from family; from Christians; from Athiests; and believers of any other belief system, you name it. These are at odds people. The belief that I need to or even could find approval from all people is incompatible because people don’t approve of people always, period… and I can’t try to hang my own approval of myself on something so impossible. I would find myself afraid to defend my position and then finally I realized… wait, I don’t need to defend myself. I am not at War. I can choose to accept ALL OF IT. I don’t even have to label it. I was so afraid to accept the notion that, worst case scenario, I might not be accepted by some people for the way I believe or the journey I am on. That I might be wrong to them, or what if they were right and I was wrong. I had so much fear in not knowing where my path with God and Jesus was leading me.
BUT as I continue, I realize that, because I have my own love and acceptance rooted in this God who has always been with me, even though I can’t put him in a box for anybody, I can live with the idea that I might not be accepted by some.. In fact, I can live with the idea that I WILL NOT be accepted by some. I can live with this also knowing that on the other side of it, some may find freedom and acceptance of themselves on their journey hearing my story and knowing that they’re not alone; and the fact that I can find freedom and acceptance and growth in my life by letting go of this very limiting and damaging set of beliefs and the fears attached to them is worth celebration for me.
This is incredibly Vulnerable. This is incredibly hard. But it’s more than worthwhile because the freedom I feel when I can step out of that belief is unbelievably liberating.
So, how did I go from Point A; this terrible narrative controlling my thought world and thus my happiness; to point B; internal liberation and freedom in my relationship with God, and the unshakable acceptance of myself and belief that I am accepted by my Lord?
I have done various things that have helped a lot. One thing I have done in several areas of my thought life to change paradigms like this and find peace and healing is by rewriting my story.
I have learned to rewrite my story from several different sites and authors over the past several years, but I didn’t put it all into practice. I often will read something, mull over it, read over it again from someone else, and just keep coming back to it until eventually I’ve worked it out in my head and am ready to give it a try it in a way that I think might work for me.
I will describe how I do this now as simply as possible so that if you would like to implement this throughout your week or even just when you’re really having a hard time emotionally; I really think it will help.
FIRST, I will sit down to the computer and open a word document. I also have a journal app which I find helpful as well. I am much faster at typing than I am at writing, so that’s my preferred method of journaling. I start with expressive writing, just pouring out onto the page whatever comes into my mind. Often something will start to manifest as I type; a struggle, or the details of my specific issue. Organically our brains try to work through what we are struggling with.
You may not even be aware of it, but as you write, you’re able to connect to your internal narrative a bit more directly. Keep writing for a time period. Weather it be 5 minutes, 10 minutes, or anywhere in between or beyond. A timer can be helpful to keep yourself going. When you are done, read what you’ve written WITHOUT JUDGEMENT… This is key here. You don’t want to filter what you’re writing while you’re writing and you don’t want to act as the enemy shaming yourself afterwards for those expressed thoughts and feelings. This is a totally safe space to be fully vulnerable. This is just a reflection of what’s going on; a glimpse inside of where your heart and head are struggling. Let it soak in. Sit with it. Then, acknowledge the feelings that came out. Truly and specifically. I recommend typing it out, but you can just say “I accept it all” over and over as you sit with the ideas if this works for you.
You can also picture your child self. The child you who is in there, with the patterns that still exist within her ways of being, and you can visualize yourself embracing that child with the empathy and compassion she both needs and desires. Give her what she needs and don’t try to change her feelings.
That’s not it, hang in there with me.
NOW it’s time to give yourself a few moments of silence. Just allow yourself to be with what’s going on emotionally for you. Let it sink in. Breathe and close your eyes. You can do this with yourself for as long as it feels comfortable, but if you’re not comfortable with it at all I would encourage you to try to sit with it anyway for at least a minute or two to start with. This space is important and as you practice, you will find it easier to sit with the emotions.
AFTER this is your opportunity to reflect on what you’ve written, acknowledged, and experienced; to look at it from an outside perspective and rewrite your story reflecting on anything you see that is valuable in the situation. Areas you see that you have limiting beliefs that are not serving your life but are hurting you and your relationships or keeping you trapped.
You should now be able to see why you felt the way you did. You don’t need to sit in defense anymore, but you can just simply reflect on what you are learning through this as you would with a friend; or when experiencing a conflict in the context of a book or a show or movie. Find a way through this to make it empowering. There are always different perspectives in ANY situation. We have to cling to a story in order to make sense of things; remember, that’s how our brain works?! So, give it a story, but YOU get to proactively choose the story, or the side of the elephant that actually serves your life and helps you to live the life you desire. It is not that only one story is true, it’s just one perspective. With my kids, we love to read stories and then watch the movie. We have read countless books and then watched the movies. We have sometimes read several narratives of the same story essentially and get to talk about the differences. There is value in a narrative; there’s also incredible value in weighing out alternative narratives to the same story. Make sure the one you attach to serves you. So, re-write this story, letting go of what you can’t control in the story and clinging to the virtues that you are being drawn towards in reflection. You can do this as long as you want. At the end, when you’ve fully gotten it out, I would recommend you re-read what you just wrote… the re-write of the original story that is. It will feel amazing and re-empower you. It will fill you with energy. The power in a perspective shift by story is priceless.
This will likely happen naturally; but either in your head or with your writing, finish this practice with gratitude. Show gratitude for the perspective. For the shift. For the lessons in this experience. For the ability to have changed your perspective. For your humility in seeing alternative perspectives. For your growth and for the time you’re taking to make these changes. For the wisdom that is unfolding.
It can be super quick, or it can be as long as you’d like. You can leave some of the steps I mentioned here out of your practice. You can write or type OR… if this is even better for some of you more verbal types, you can even set your phone to a voice recorder app and simply go for a walk with your earbud and record yourself talking it through. You’ll seem like you’re on the phone but this can be a powerful way to express yourself as well, and in playing it back you get to hear it from a totally different standpoint as well. Part of the power in doing the activity this way is being outside and another part of it is moving your body. You can take what you find inspiring here and leave the rest. But this is a powerful experience.
If you decided to write or type it out, I encourage you to burn or shred the original story; burning them (safely please) in a fireplace or fire pit, or crumple them up and throw them away. This physical practice can be a very powerful and tangible way to help symbolize and internalize letting the old narrative go and to letting it ALL go; to accepting what is and embracing where you are now. Heck you can burn or crumple the whole thing if you’d like. It’s an awesome conclusion to the practice, I promise.
I hope you were able to find inspiration here and are excited and empowered to try this exercise for yourself. In case it is helpful, as I always find it is, I wanted to share here also an example of myself re-writing the part of MY story that I shared above, so you can see the paradigm shift from an outsiders perspective and reinforce the idea that this is incredibly tangible for application in your own life.
I grew up with a single mom who was a Rockstar. She really loved us more than anything in the world and still does. She gave everything she could to inspire and support us with what she had. Even though it must have been painful for her, she made sure I got to meet my father when I was 13. I had always wanted to meet him and know him. He met me and introduced me to his version of God. Out of love, he shared with me his faith wanting me to find healing the way he thought I could. I went from having no dad, to knowing he was out there. I got to meet two beautiful girls, sisters I had never known I would have, and feel their energy. I get to find some healing knowing that he was able to try to be there for these girls in their formative years, and the very challenges that I faced in not having a father around made it so that I deeply appreciated the relationships I did have and loved fully with more of my heart. My grandfather was a deep source of fatherly love during my childhood. Living with my grandparents for five years, was able to provide for my mother and our little family a security in our childhood when it may have otherwise been elusive. Watching my mother survive through countless challenges and always come back trying to love, empowered me with the ability to love so deeply and to never ever give up.
Experiencing the phase in which I went through partying and feeling like I lost myself in conforming to that which I thought others wanted, taught me about the pain and loneliness in that type of living. It showed me that this doesn’t heal the pain that is inside and gave me the humility to understand and empathize deeply with other women and people who make decisions that lead down a path they don’t actually want.
I have often pondered the idea that without ugliness it’s hard to see true beauty, and without evil it’s hard to appreciate real unconditional love. I also feel like without knowing what I know from my experiences in my past, my own unique personhood would not have had what it needed to form the deep character grooves within my heart and soul that give me the passion and purpose I find today in being who I am and who I am becoming.
In experiencing faith in the way I did from the beginning, I am able to reflect on how polarized not only religion can be but also individuals who feel like they fall within the reign of a tribe of belief systems. I can see the danger in basing my security not only in other individual’s acceptance, but the deep prison I place myself in when I try to find total acceptance in tribes of any sort outside of my relationship with God and myself.
I am my own being, separate in creation and existence from any other person. Because of my experiences and ability to rewrite them with truth (and the clarity of other perspectives) I can see that my journey with Christ and God and faith, and whatever that plays out as in my life, is my business and God’s and nobody else’s.
I can also see that the same is true in reverse and I can find freedom in accepting other people completely as they are, and focus on spreading the love that abundantly overflows from my life. I release the idea that I need approval of anybody but God and myself and I am so grateful for the experiences and lessons that have led me to where I am today… and I know they will continue to lead me down my path, to tomorrow, to next year and to everything that lies ahead. I don’t have to know where I will be or what I will think tomorrow. I will keep asking questions and seeking authentically and fully accept this wonderful life and all the teachers and lessons that God places before me.
I hope that was helpful. It’s incredibly freeing and healing to try this practice of rewriting your story.
Your work for the week, if you choose to go forth 😊 Is to try out a version of re-writing your story. It’s simply an organized journaling session which you can tweak with the above advice. Share with me your epiphanies. Share with me what has helped and where you have overcome. I hope you find so much freedom from thoughts that were holding you back. I hope you can see a new and beautiful side of yourself that you didn’t see before. You’ve got this sunshine. This world is a beautiful messy place and is much better with you in it!
Until Next time,
Holly Ann Kasper
The radical imperfectionist
