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In this episode we explore the value of getting to know our core selves in order to see both our strengths and weaknesses as valuable, and releasing us from being stuck so we can find liberation and growth with our own individual traits.
TRANSCRIPT:
This post is all about how important it is to know yourself. This might seem like a very obvious notion, but do you really know yourself and what makes you uniquely you at your core? Or have you been running from yourself for years; trying to change yourself into others; rejecting core personality traits and you-ness as bad habits or insufficiencies you need to change? I am not talking about emotions or habits or other inconsistent variables. I am talking here about what is unique to you. It’s an interesting concept, especially for those of us that are self-help junkies, to consider. I know I am constantly seeking improvement, which is a good thing in and of itself; however, if we don’t first know and understand what makes us tick and what we both excel in and struggle with naturally, challenging results and experiences along our path to improvement can become reinforcement for the lies within that push us into fear and shame and actually inhibit results and real growth. Again, this is not about ignoring the fact that we have weaknesses. It’s also not about thinking you’re better than others. This is about understanding how YOU were designed. What makes you YOU and learning to accept and appreciate that very central YOU so that you can actually live your life to the fullest with your individual strengths and support yourself within your individual areas of weakness, enjoying the essence of your being.
The idea here is that in order to find true, lasting growth and fulfillment; we must start by getting to know ourselves intimately so that we can fully embrace who we are as God designed us to be. If we are constantly working to fix what’s not broken, and what can’t be changed, as I mentioned before, this feeds the shame and fear cycle and keeps us trapped and focused on ourselves in a sort of self-loathing and self-sabotaging cycle. We don’t want to be selfish, right? Isn’t this the epitome of a self-centered life? Constantly focusing on ourselves? I know we would be drawn to thinking this isn’t true because we are tearing ourselves down, but that’s the ingenious nature of the trap. It shoves us into a corner worrying that we will be found out, not as what we present to the world, but as we really are (which we don’t accept) and we keep trudging along; all the while feeding into the shame that we, at our core, are unlovable and unworthy. When this is our focus, what really matters, falls to the wayside. We cannot truly grow when we are stuck in this unintentionally self-centered and totally counterproductive trap.
Some of you might be thinking that you don’t obsess over this, and that it doesn’t control your life. That instead it motivates you and doesn’t control you to the degree that I seem to imply here. My thoughts on the matter are that we don’t have to be aware of the way these cycles impact us in order for them to exist and control our lives at varying degrees. Just as we don’t have to be aware of the emotions we have in order for them to wreak havoc in our choices and our general happiness and fulfillment. I’m also not implying that we are all on the same scale with this; indeed, there is a spectrum, and that’s ok.
When I was in elementary school, I remember when I began to learn to read. I struggled. It was so hard. When I was in first grade, our teacher separated our class into groups based on our progress and speed with reading. I tried and tried and it was just so hard for me; thus I was in the “slow” reading group. I had a narrative in my head that made it worse, but when I was in first grade, in this “slow” reading group, my brain interpreted (and I did not argue with this) that I was dumb. I accepted this as cold hard fact, as the truth, and decided I would accept my fate as dumb and focus on other things. I have a brilliant sister who is just over a year older than I am. She is similar to me in many ways, but of course beautifully unique as well. My sister loved to read, and she was fast. At a fairly young age she was independently devouring chapter book after chapter book. I wanted to be my sister so desperately. She was my idol! But I was dumb, so I didn’t even try. Instead I copied her handwriting. I practiced and memorized how she wrote each letter.
I remember putting off reading and getting by however I could. When I was around 9, desperate because I had a book report due the next day, I came to my mother enveloped in tears, shame and defeat… I needed to give an oral book report the next day and I hadn’t even begun to read the book… My single-mom-of-three, college-student, low-income mother stayed up all night, not only reading the book “The Adventures of Huckleberry Fin” aloud to me chapter- by-chapter with inflections and enthusiasm, but ALSO helping me to create an incredibly engaging and imaginative oral report that would blow the teacher away… she even helped me practice several times, as I would be giving the report from the perspective of Huckleberry Fin himself. She helped me to practice acting out the presentation, wearing overalls and the whole nine-yards. It was a very loving and empowering experience, which made a significant impact on my heart for the future… and also made it so I had a solid book report I could give, on repeat, whenever I needed it going forward (unless it was the same teacher, of course); and did I ever! I gave the same report every time I had a book report in the future as we moved several times and each time, I needed to give one I just happened to have a new teacher. But in all seriousness, this experience planted the idea within me that if I worked hard enough, I could do whatever I dreamed, despite the challenges.
When I was about ten, we had to learn to type on a computer (yes, this was way back people), and it was yet again so hard for me. I was miles behind the slowest kid in the class and the experience strongly reinforced for me this idea that I was dumb.
Then I had a teacher when I was thirteen that was able to break down and teach math in such a way that all of a sudden it clicked… math now was like that book report… It was decrypted and I could follow a system and succeed, even if I had to struggle more in some areas to do so. All of a sudden, I began to excel in math. It felt amazing and now I had something I could focus on; something I was good at. I was at a new school with no friends and a lot of emotional baggage, so I focused on my studies. I couldn’t control my home life. My mother was ill and bedridden every day for months at a time. It was so hard for her, for us, and it was scary. So, I plunged into my schoolwork. Even though I still thought I was dumb, I was driven. I knew I would have to work harder than many other kids to excel, but I was going to prove to myself and the world that I could do it. I did homework until the middle of the night most nights and still didn’t have straight A’s. But I was succeeding and that was enough.
When I got to college, my paradigm shifted again. I first stepped foot into college after having read Think and Grow Rich and Rich Dad Poor Dad, so my intentions were not to focus on a degree but to simply choose classes that sparked interest for me. To study whatever I wanted for once. I took classes German, and Business, and Sewing, and nutrition. I dove into topics of interest ravenously devouring each of them and I loved it. I found reading, although I was still slow, so engaging as the topics were only what I wanted. I also learned accommodations for what was hard for me. I learned that flashcards, however time consuming to create, worked wonders for me because I needed constant repetition and the integration of several of my senses to anchor information and concepts to my brain, even if just temporarily. I learned that I could record class and listen over again later while taking more notes and anchoring the information further. I learned that once I “got” a concept in the general sense, It was much easier to try to put the smaller pieces together in a subject and getting it to stick. I had to dissect things until I understood the big picture, and then I would report it back to myself, and then I would get it. It would stick. I still struggled with seemingly insignificant facts, tied to nothing of relevance for me; like arbitrary names and dates… but that was okay with me. For those I would use repetition and flash cards and I could generally still do well. I could get by. At the point at which I had gotten through about a year and a half of full-time studies of this manner at a junior college, I saw a counselor and realized that I loved the business-related classes and all of my classes up until that point would go towards the credits necessary for a business degree and transferring to a university, if I chose to pursue it. So, I continued down this path, and graduated from Vanguard University with honors. Me, the dumb one. I had proved to myself that I could do it.
Fast forward… Now I have two boys of my own, and, I am determined that they will be able to enjoy their schooling with more autonomy and connection than I had; with the freedom to excel in areas that they are passionate about and not be as hindered by the expectations of an arbitrary schedule. Because of this I have been blessed to homeschool them so far. This has been a life long dream, that grew out of my own school experiences, and the changes that occurred when I unschooled myself through college. This came from both what I actually experienced and what I wished for so long that I would have been able to experience.
My sons are brilliant. They are highly energetic and constantly creating and building. They memorize songs and poetry. They admire and recreate great art and love to narrate their own stories. They love to invent things and perform plays for us. Their ability to critically think blows me away continually.
Despite the amazing nature of my boys and how incredible so many parts of our lives and journey have been, for my internal narrative, the first year of officially homeschooling was very hard as we were struggling with some areas. I didn’t know why, and I felt highly triggered and like I was failing, even though this wasn’t the whole picture. I kept asking questions. I kept pursuing the truth; and then I discovered the world of Dyslexia (and ADHD).
I learned about how Dyslexic individuals have a brain structure that is arranged in such a way that they tend to be drawn toward big-picture thinking. They can formulate marvelous ideas and incredible passions. They make up a significant portion of our country’s entrepreneurs (I actually read just the other day that 35% of the Entrepreneurs in the United States are Dyslexic!)… I read about how the very structure that makes Dyslexic brains incredibly powerful for innovation, discovery, and growth; can also make it incredibly difficult in areas such as language development, acquisition and expression. This brain type has a very hard time breaking things into smaller steps as it excels in working to see the big picture. The more I read, the more of a lightbulb moment unfolded and continues to unfold. My kids are both dyslexic, and I am dyslexic. For many people, learning this for their kids and or themselves, this might come as a blow… for me, It was a powerful realization. During this process I also learned that often those with Dyslexia also have ADHD. As I learned about both of these traits in more detail, I was awakened and I couldn’t believe it. I could now understand my own brain, and not be afraid of the ways in which my children mirrored me with these traits. It was not that I was dumb. They too are not dumb. We are incredible, capable, and amazing, with both strengths and weaknesses. I cried a lot. Not only did this empower me incredibly as a mother of two boys with these traits, this healed me from past ways of thinking and helped me to not fear what we were struggling with because now I understood that I had not failed my kids, but that as a successful Dyslexic with ADHD myself, I knew I would be able to effectively support these beautiful boys on their journey. I will not stop learning and, just as they have gotten many traits from their crazy mother; I know they won’t either. This journey will be wonderful. Now that I understand something core to who I am and how my brain functions, I can be liberated by that knowledge and free to soar to new heights.
Learning to read was hard for me. And yet, since college, reading is now my favorite pastime… I could read morning noon and night if I had no other responsibilities, no joke. It drives my husband crazy sometimes. I am NOT the fastest reader out there; I still sometimes reverse words and stumble over them; but now I know about the way my brain works. I am learning more every day, and understanding why my weaknesses exist, how to strengthen myself by setting good habits, and enforcing and focusing on my strengths. The voice that said I was dumb was wrong. My brain struggles sometimes to grasp concepts that may be simpler for people without this brain structure, but sister, once I get something, my brain explodes with connections; with ideas; with possibilities. I have relentless determination to follow my dreams and my vision is constantly expanding as I continue to learn.
I have since learned that I am in fact an introvert, not an extrovert. I draw strength from being alone and need a lot of down time between interactions. I would seem as an extrovert in many social situations but that’s because I have a heart for people. I also know other things about my personality and have a rhythm in my life which supports this. I know when in my cycles I tend to be more susceptible to the liar narrative and when I need more rest. I understand my best forms of communication and can balance that and admire others for their strengths while not slamming myself.
Before I knew these things about myself, I let the belief that I was not smart blind me to both the beauty of my weaknesses and the limitless power in my strengths. I let this thought go unchecked; I let it produce feelings which controlled my world and my joy, it kept me focusing on myself and my perceived inadequacies rather than my glorious life and loving those around me.
Now I am on a pursuit to continue to empower myself and blow wide-open the beliefs that once held me back so that I can now simply be receptive to truth as I learn more. Now I am on a mission to encourage others to do the same.
I now have tools to help me in areas that I struggle in but still wish to pursue, rather than discounting myself as incapable; I have ways of accommodating and doing so without the feelings of being inferior, but knowing that by being able to leverage my strengths and awareness of my weaknesses, I am fully empowered to take on the world. The vulnerability of the weaknesses is what connects me to my children and to others I come in contact with who might have this internal narrative still holding them back, whether or not they are even aware of it.
Now I can look back, not in sadness and shame, but with gratitude that I got to experience what I did. Now I know that these challenges caused me to rise above and find ways of succeeding even though I struggled with the narrative. I learned how I learn, and learned to persevere.
My point here is that some of the best work we can do toward empowering ourselves and growth is to learn who we really are. To learn what it is we think about ourselves and our personality and dig deeper. Can you relate to my story but you’re worried about what it would mean for you to consider the idea that you may have a different brain structure (similar or different from mine)? Do you struggle in other areas of growth but not understand why? There are great benefits available in getting to know yourself. What are your strengths and weaknesses? Why? When you learn the truth, you can get rid of the lies that control your ideas of who you are. You are NOT an imposter. YOU are NOT a mistake. Reading, talking and writing are my three favorite things to do 😊 And I have a dyslexic brain, which renders these things more challenging for my brain; but I can think big picture and I can work hard and succeed. It’s a superpower now and not just a scary unknown masked in shame.
Your assignment this week, if you are interested is mostly reflective. It’s about learning about how you learn and grow; it’s about asking questions of yourself; about the way your personality affects your life, and how your thought world impacts the way you perceive the various parts of your personality.
Are you able to view these strengths and weaknesses and just parts of who you are from a different perspective? As though you are your own mother; a fully-involved grace-filled and nurturing mother? Or maybe as a best friend? Are you able to start to celebrate the role these parts of you have played in the chunks of your life that bring you joy?
Are you able to start understanding your struggles from a new perspective now; understanding that when you simply know who you are in personality, strengths and weaknesses; when you know that this is a part of you and your design, that you CAN start to embrace this as beautiful and as a roadmap for your growth? If you can really see yourself and start to become aware of the dialogues that are happening around this core of just who and how you are as a person, you will start to feel free from the ideas of comparison and insufficiency.
Weaknesses do NOT make you less than. If you are super strong in one area, there will be areas you will be weak in. Period. That’s a part of balance. You can’t have all of the skills, and that’s a part of being radically imperfect; being aware that these things make you more beautiful, NOT inferior. You can start to see how you don’t need to hide the weaknesses, and although you may be able to strengthen them with some habit changes, you should not try to change your core self. You can embrace yourself. I read a marriage book a while back (Loving Him Well) that said “do not compare your husband’s weaknesses to someone else’s husband’s strengths”. That was a pivotal thought for me, and not just in how I saw my husband; I realized that this is what we do as humans. We take our weaknesses; we allow our narrator to tell us that they are flaws, believing this terrible lie, and then we shame ourselves by comparing these very weaknesses to the strengths of those around us. When we can really see this and embrace the fact that, just to exist as a human and to have strengths, we must also have weaknesses; then and only then can we begin to see the beauty in the opposing strengths of those around us and celebrate them all; knowing that without weakness, our lives would have no passion, or growth. Weakness makes growth possible. Weakness allows humility and reflection. Weakness reveals to us that we can’t control it allow. Allow this to sink in and just keep dissecting it. Ask yourself questions. Changing these thoughts and ways of thinking about yourself can change the course of your life completely.
If you are up for it, you are also welcome to do some expressive writing about this as well, as writing can be one of the most effective ways to find healing with thoughts and belief systems:
What have you struggled with academically and in the areas related to skills? Speaking, writing, reading, math, memory? Focus, drive, passion purpose? Whatever it may be. How has this affected how you see yourself and your self-worth? What have you seen as insufficiencies in who you are at your core? This is not an exercise where you compare yourself to others and tell me why you’re not as good as them; that is not what we do here because that’s rubbish. Other people are not relevant here. You have the potential inside to both fully know yourself and fully embrace yourself and set yourself on the path to freedom and peace and total empowerment; but you need to understand who you are, where your strengths are and where your weaknesses are. You need to understand why they are that way.
So, write out what your strengths are. Go into detail and don’t filter. Then when the expression stops organically, what are your weaknesses? Do you know why? Can you see how these could be related in the way they balance each other? Is the weakness actually a weakness or is it from fear? Is it simply something that’s always been hard for you? Do you attach shame to it? Now, can you write about how your weaknesses have helped you or empowered you in the past, Despite any related shame. This one is powerful. Can you notice how you’ve learned to accommodate? What passions do you have now because of experiences with your weaknesses?
Now, write about how your strengths are affected by your thoughts about your weaknesses? Are your strengths overpowered by the way you allow yourself to think about your value, based on those weaknesses? Can you write about your strengths, giving examples of how you have been able to use them in the past to improve your life? Can you think about how much more you would benefit from your strengths if you didn’t allow your weaknesses to be a bad thing? If you didn’t think of them as insufficiencies, but rather as just a balance of your personality? Can you see how having strengths and weaknesses allows you to enjoy your friendships and other relationships more because of the differences between you? Can you see how they motivate you?
There is no right or wrong way to do this. This is about opening up a paradigm that you might not have ever acknowledged. A paradigm which has the capacity to grow and just hasn’t been fully explored. This paradigm can help you begin to accept with admiration and awe the life and all that is before you and see with clarity where you truly have the capacity to grow in life and to see that what is you, what is within you as enough.
Every time we share what is real and raw, we expose both truth and lies and find freedom. The goal on this blog and podcast is for you to find healing knowing everybody else struggles in this as well; to find healing in the power of being fully accepted; in learning that you CAN accept yourself, even if it takes one baby step at a time. It’s toward freedom and a life where your possibilities are endless. Don’t allow your perception of your strengths to limit you anymore Sunshine. Go through this with me and we can continue to inspire each other with our shared journey.
I hope you find this helpful as you go out into your world this week. Have a wonderful day!
With Love,
Holly Ann Kasper
The Radical Imperfectionist
