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In this area we unpack the idea of getting to know yourself from a new angle, inspecting how we can cling to ideas of who we are as a limiting identity. We talk about how to nourish our thoughts with good food and we go deep. I am grateful to be sharing in this journey with you and hope you enjoy!
TRANSCRIPT:
Last week, I published an essay and podcast episode called Know Thyself; An Awareness That becomes Your Superpower. It is about the power in knowing yourself to free yourself from shame and lies of the past, that affect you in past, present and future.
This week I want to go into this from another angle, because there are other sides to this elephant as well. I sometimes may seem to contradict myself, and perhaps I am in a way, but I really feel that most subjects are not black and white and see value in stewing with and dissecting ideas; turning them over and peeling back more layers to expose other ideas and thoughts to feed my mind and nourish my understanding. So, I hope you can meet me in this space and enjoy the process.
I had written about how when I was a kid, I thought I was dumb. I had experienced situations where I didn’t succeed in the way I saw other people succeeding, and so I drew myself into the shadows, to hide in the shame of being less than and the fear of being found out and deemed unworthy. I also shared how I have been unpacking this as I’ve learned about Dyslexia and ADHD, and among other things, how the awareness provided in these revelations has begun to free me from the old way of thinking and empower me.
The reason I bring this up is because, when we find out that there are other ways of learning, other brain structures, other tendencies, strengths and weaknesses which we can relate or are sure are a part of our story; a tendency can be to then switch from the identity we held onto before and begin to cling to these new ideas as a new form of identity and filter for self-definition and acceptance.
For example, I might go from saying “I am dumb”, to “I am dyslexic”. I took one label out and replaced it with a new label. There is nothing wrong with the awareness of new ideas and ways of thinking; of revelations of the physical structure of your body and mind and the way we work. Obviously not, that is what I talked about last week… but I believe that we need to be cautious. This is because both of these ideas; that I am dumb, and that I am dyslexic, are simply that… ideas that are not who I actually am.
I am a manifested expression of God’s love. I am lovable and worthy of love. I am a radically imperfect woman on a journey to unpack myself and find God in many beautiful and messy ways as I learn and grow. So, again, the ideas I have aren’t actually my identity, but when I release one to cling to the other, the risk there can be that I can change the self-imposed limitations from one to the other. Instead of finding freedom in releasing myself from one, I simply switch from one to another.
When we get to know things about the way we learn or just the way we are and the way we work, understanding ourselves in this way on a deeper level, we can have tendencies such as this tendency to cling to this as an identity and set those new revelations in stone as parameters which then can limit our life, forgetting that thoughts are incredibly powerful. We can forget how pliable and plastic our brain actually is and how shaped our reality is by the interpretations of our brains. We can set the filters and highly influence the ideas that our brain has about who we are and what is going on around us, and what is possible for us and our future.
This doesn’t mean that we live in denial of the truth and we say untrue mantras of ourselves in the hopes of out-thinking our weaknesses and becoming sort of an emotionally immortal being. Although, that’s not as far off as it seems, even if off. Bear with me here. What I am talking about, is the idea that we can find great empowerment in disarming lies of about ourselves when we learn realities about the way we learn and the way we are individually and in personality BUT that this is not meant to become our new guide for limiting our lives.
When I first made the identity shift that I was dumb (although it wasn’t an active decision, but I know about when it happened), I realize now that I decided that even though I was dumb, I could fake it until I made it. And I lived a lot of my life under this mask. Indeed, I was resilient, but buried deep down was a lot of shame, that with each new challenging or intimidating experience, that this wasn’t something I could do and if I pulled it off in whatever the context, it was a fluke and I wondered what would happen when I was found out.
I mentioned part of the following story in another post, but I will be going in another direction as well: When my eldest son was about 18 months old, he was not sleeping; which meant I was not sleeping. My life was run by sleep, or a lack thereof. He typically woke every hour and a half roughly. ALL. NIGHT. LONG. I was co-sleeping and nursing him and doing my best to be the best crunchy-hippie mama I could, giving him the healthiest start that I could, and I had no fuel. I never understood sleep loss until I went a year and a half not sleeping more than maybe two hours sleep at one time, not to mention the broken sleep that pregnancy provided before his arrival. My husband was sleeping in the next room (the nursery) and our relationship was exhausted. On the weekends, he would watch him for small bouts of time, while I tried to get in a little nap here and there and the desperation seeped from every ounce of me. It was getting harder and harder to fake it. At that point, trying to figure out, with a few good friends with young children, how I was to parent and how that would look, I was lost. I had no idea what I was doing. No idea how to do it “right”. How could I do well, if I didn’t know what that looked like. It was scary. Up until actually having my son, I had focused on health, and I didn’t really get the concept of mothering a little baby and unaware that parenting would be a valid topic even early on. The thousands of little decisions you have to make regularly as a parent can really take a toll.
One day, after visiting with friends and trying to plaster on my smile and helicopter my sweet boy, we loaded up into the car and drove back to our apartment. On the way back, amidst the fog of total and utter exhaustion I ran a very red light. It was incredibly scary, and thank God, no cars were driving through the intersection at that exact moment, as my heart dropped into my stomach and I found myself shaking in fear and panic, having just tested fate. Nothing had happened to us, but the potential for a catastrophe rocked my world. When we parked not two minutes later in the parking lot of our apartment, still shaking, I fell to my knees in tears when I got out to get my sweet little boy out of his car seat, only to notice that I had not finished strapping him in. When I had blown through a glaring red light, my baby was not even safely harnessed to this vitally important safety device; parenting 101. How was this possible? I had done everything I could right and I almost failed at the most basic task. I felt completely and utterly horrified. I was overwhelmed by grief and pain that my actions would have potentially resulted in, where it not for the grace of God in providing safety for us in that event.
At the time, I had been practicing something called Attachment Parenting, or what I thought that meant. I had no idea what I was doing, again, and I was just trying so hard to do it all perfectly, with the less than functioning brain power. My little boy had more energy than I thought was possible for one tiny little guy, and he had been walking independently since he was 8 months old, running toward every danger an exhausted mother can imagine at full speed with the lack of caution and awareness natural to an older child. My depiction of this Parenting Style (which I am not slamming, as I am sure I botched, for all of you who carry out this lifestyle and parenting successfully) included co-sleeping, nursing on demand, and whatever else I can’t even recall at this point… but the combination of just these two ideas executed in my fashion and my situation, wrecked my sleep like a brick to a birthday cake. I seriously resented my little bundle of joy for all of my sleep loss, due to my inability to know how to get him to sleep without nursing and co-sleeping and having no clue how to keep him sleeping so I could survive. I thought if I sleep trained him, that this was not natural and he would become a narcissistic drug addict. Do I exaggerate, absolutely, and hopefully you’ve picked up on that by now. Although my mind can tend to take things to the extreme, I actually thought I would destroy my baby by making him sleep without nursing on demand and co-sleeping… I felt trapped.
Then we ran the red light and all of that changed. It broke me. It humbled me. I needed grace and I needed change, and I had to find a solution. My perspective shifted that day and continued to when I called my husband and told him that I had just ran a red light, initially omitting the bit about his car seat, and said we MUST SLEEP TRAIN.
I began to reflect. I began to get angry and I began to get real. I started to see that I had imposed these rules on myself by subscribing myself to this dogma of philosophy as though it were my duty. This had become my identity and my prison. It was NOT my son’s fault. It was my fault. For once, I was able to take responsibility without shame. Or mostly without shame. As I reflected on this more, I was amazed at the grace and the healing that began to emerge for me. This was arguably, my first huge parenting experience that I learned deep paradigm shifts from. It was pivotal for me, and only one of many times where I broke, was humbled, and began to see from a new perspective.
I got mad that I had put the pressure on myself to do this particular parenting method perfectly which I wasn’t even sure was right for me or for our family. I learned that even if one could succeed in being the perfect at whatever the role is that they see themselves doing, according to the guidelines laid before them, there is no saying that it is the right way anyway. My mother-in-law has said to me more than once, that there is more than one right way to do something, and when this happened to me, or rather when my choices guided our path down this experience, I learned the value in that truth along with many other lessons.
I had thought that in order to be the best mother, the mother my little Dezzy deserved, I had to make this sacrifice. I thought this was my cross to bear and wore the sacrifice like a badge of honor but it was beginning to feel more like a scarlet letter… until this particular day and this traffic event. I learned in this experience that my self-care as a mother, making sure I am sane and well cared for physically and emotionally (both of which are significantly impacted by sleep), HAS TO BE top priority; because without this being top priority, I cannot and will not succeed in being the best version of myself for my kids. I learned that sleep loss is not only detrimental to my peace and happiness, but that by that age, my son also very much needed the unbroken sleep as well, as I learned how sleep loss affects child development. I had been so worried I would be short-changing my son in sleep-training him, that I deprived both of us of one of the most basic necessities of life.
This was eye-opening; although it still took me many years (and is something I am still working on learning) to truly take care of myself and listen to my body; this was a catalyst for me in great reflection and growth, and for that I am truly so grateful.
My point with this story is to share with you how we can become so inspired by an idea or something we learn, from which we can find a lot of support and helpfulness, but that we can often cling to what it is we have learned or thought and then allow it to become akin to a prison; limiting the fullness of our life within our interpretations of the role it must play. We assign it a role beyond what it has the ability to promise and we can have a hard time not white-knuckling ourselves to this idea. I know I’m being redundant here, per usual, but, also per usual, the point of that here is to drive home the point I am trying to make so that hopefully the shift can happen in a helpful way for you and your thinking.
As I said in my intro, I play a lot of roles, but I am not the role. We also have a lot of ideas that we can wrestle with and find help in but we are also not those ideas and need not to be restricted by them.
Even though I have a brain structure that is Dyslexic and have ADHD as well, I can choose to not allow that to be the verdict on what I can and cannot do. I can choose to gain awareness and understanding in my strengths and weaknesses, which can and usually does empower me, but when I cling to these as part of my identity, I can stop growing and I can start to limit my thinking so that I don’t push outside of my comfort zone; growing and changing as I really know is helpful and possible for all of us.
What we think is critical. We can and should get to know how our individual brains work, how we work best, how to support and embrace our weaknesses and how to capitalize on our strengths; but we can also be careful not to allow this to limit our opportunities in life; I can realize that these concepts can help me to understand the way I have written my story, but I don’t have to make it mean that I can’t read well, write well, and should never pursue things that push me in areas I have learned that I struggle. Our struggles usually blossom into passions in one way or another, but our thoughts can either help or hinder that.
What I urge you to do today is to consider in what ways you have learned valuable information about your personality, how you learn, your perceived strengths and weaknesses. Write them down. Then reflect on whether you have allowed the thoughts about these various aspects of you to limit you in living your life? Can you express how they have done so? How would you have reacted in these areas if you didn’t have these beliefs about who you are that limited you; if you took the perspective of a child approaching something new? Can you see areas of your life today that are greatly impacted by thoughts about how you are?
I would also urge you to write, or type, a list of the things you know about yourself. Now reflect on them and see if you have held them close as a part of your identity. How would you feel about yourself if you didn’t see these as fixed? If they didn’t carry the weight of the implications they hold today?
When you think, for example that you’re great at writing but terrible at speaking to groups; can you think about how this belief can limit you? I myself have been working on this specifically because, although I have learned that I love talking to people, I also have the idea that when I am trying to speak of something very important, I struggle to get the words out often and can stumble over my words. I believe this has to do with Dyslexia, from what I’ve learned, and that can be helpful in that it can help me to feel like it is not something that is wrong with me, but that it’s a part of how my brain structure is, but it can also cause me to limit myself and assume that I am not meant to be a speaker. That this could never be a strength for me, or an area of passion that I might thrive because of this limit I’ve assumed is true. This is where it gets dangerous. Because we are meant to scare ourselves; to be vulnerable and push past the limits placed on us; but we forget that the limits that actually hold us back are not placed on us by other people, the real limits that hold us back are the ones we accept as truth and place on ourselves. Someone can tell me all day long that I am not a good speaker, and that this is a weakness, but unless I accept this and until I place this thought on myself as a limit, I have a choice whether or not this will affect my life and limit me in this and other areas.
For me, I want to be a good speaker, and I know I can be. And I am fighting the battle of winning against the inner voice that tells me otherwise. The voice that I have fed for so long. My speaking doesn’t have to look like someone else. It doesn’t need to be perfect, but I can choose to accept that I will thrive in this area and my brain will help me make that happen.
What areas do you struggle such as this?
The other day, I was talking with my sister about our thoughts and what was blocking us and holding us back. And last week, along with the Know Thyself post I mentioned, I also posted an episode about community. The episode spoke to how important it is to have relationships where we not only can be vulnerable, but where we regularly are. You need relationships like this in your life to support the thought work you are doing. We all need to show up regularly with people that really know us, see us, hold space for us, and where we can process those thoughts that we struggle to get out of our head otherwise. It’s easy to say we need to journal and do expressive writing, and it is indeed incredibly helpful. But even more helpful, in many ways, I believe, is the ability to have at least one person in your life that holds space for you to fully process what’s going on with you, without the fear of judgement. My sister is that person for me and when she pointed this out I realized that it is a vital point worth sharing.
You need someone that can be a sounding board, to empathize with you and to try to hear and echo what you’re saying. I encourage you, to listen to this episode, and if you don’t already have a tribe, to work on finding a tribe. We are only as strong as the voices in our lives, and those voices are both on the outside and the inside. Mel Robbins says (and I believe she is echoing someone else) “If you look at the people in your circle and don’t get inspired, then you don’t have a circle, you have a cage.” The voices of those around you are powerful. They become the voices of your narrator, so make sure to surround yourself with people and voices that are uplifting and inspiring. Voices that are empathic and willing to sit with you when you’re in pain. This will help create a space for yourself to find the growth that you need in life and detach your identity from the thoughts that swarm around your brain, and will also work to help strengthen the helpful internal voices of those in your tribe who also need your support.
The voices around you include the music you listen to, the books and articles you read, and the television or videos you watch on YouTube. What you expose your brain to is the food that nourishes your thoughts. If you feed your brain nutrient-dense food, packed with rich, inspiring ideas, your brain and thought world will thrive and grow in strength and ability; when you feed your brain junk-food, comprised of gossip, negativity, self-loathing and judgement, your brain and thought world will weaken and you will find yourself saturated in shame, fear, anxiety and an inability to be present.
Choose wisely what you feed your mind. This is of the utmost importance. You can go to my website for a list of resources that I find incredibly nourishing to my thought own thought world; resources that fill me with thoughts that empower me, helping me to embrace myself, living “whole-heartedly” as Brene Brown calls it, and inspire those around me.
Take out the trash.
When you notice thoughts that are not helpful; or realize that you’ve owned thoughts as a part of your identity, limiting you from living your best life; try to dissect where in your life you are feeding this thought and take active steps to cut off the source of food for these thoughts.
Are you scrolling social media often, and following pages that really bring you down? Are you around people that constantly gossip, or tease you in unloving and unhelpful ways? Are you watching shows that are incredible downers, leaving you wallowing in despair and emptiness? What kind of music do you listen to (the lyrics I mean, not the genre)? Start to become aware and make active choices to take out the trash. That is what this is, it’s trash. It’s filling your mind with garbage and it’s derailing the work you are doing.
You can take baby steps, or you can do a big purge. I had to go through Instagram and un-follow anything and anyone that I felt was feeding me with thoughts that weren’t aligned with what I wanted. I had to pay attention to things I had clung to as an identity, that were just ideas, helpful or not on their own. For a while I deleted my Facebook app and I stopped watching TV shows that had doom and gloom or total downers. I try to listen to self help books and podcasts in the morning and I try to read inspiring stories on my own and with my kids. Feed yourself nourishing ideas that will spark more nourishing ideas and you’ll be amazed by the growth that you’ll experience.
Take out a notebook or open up windows and write a list of things, people, books, ideas, shows that inspire you and fill you up emotionally. When you’re with certain people, reading certain authors, or listening to specific podcasts, and you feel ready to take on the world… that’s your food.
Now write a list of things, people, ideas, shows, activities, etc., that drain you emotionally. When you’re with said people, watching these shows, doing these activities, you leave feeling empty, afraid, alone and anxious.
These are both types of thought food. Now actively choose the nourishing food and make conscious effort to take note whenever you are feeling drained or inspired so that you can mentally, or physically add to your lists here and then know that this awareness will feed your efforts to purge the foods that are leaving you drained, and fill your cup with foods that are satisfying your need for inspiration and encouragement.
You are not what you think, but you will be limited or empowered by what you think. Pay attention to where you are limiting yourself, even if those are thoughts that freed you from an old limiting paradigm. Be aware of the potential we as humans have to clinging to thoughts as identity because our brain is always anchoring them to a story, making sense of our world. Make active choices to separate your identity from the things you do and how you are. We have the freedom to choose what we believe. That’s the incredible power of our human brains. We are able to choose our world. We should get to know how we work best, but be open and flexible to this being a fluid and ever-changing paradigm as well.
Learn in what areas that you excel, try to figure out why. Learn in what areas you struggle, and try to figure out why. But know that you can and will continue to grow and change; and allow seeds of opportunity to grow in the areas where you would least expect. This is work of vital importance sunshine, and I’m so honored to be a part of this journey with you.
With Love,
Holly Ann Kasper
The Radical Imperfectionist
