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TRANSCRIPT:
I listened to something recently that resonated with me so deeply… it was Byron Katie and she was talking about how whenever people are interacting, they are doing so with their own unique perceptions and that includes all sorts of assumptions, preconceived notions, and other filters for how they interpret the circumstances of the world to find the meaning for themselves; the world and themselves in the world. She said, it is because of this that no two people ever really meet. I was dumbfounded. It was incredible to me because she is so right. Not everything Byron Katie says resonates with me, but that is the case with most people I admire and learn from… and is to be expected.
Taking this idea further; Whenever we interact with one another, our interactions are both colored and clouded by our own thoughts and that includes a lot of biases that essentially create the lens through which we see each other and the world. Because of these filters, we are not looking at or meeting the other person fully and completely, but only our interpretation of the person. And, as I read in a book called “You’re not Listening”, as we get deeper into relationships, you would think we listen more, when in actuality we listen less. You see, as we think we get to know someone, we are forming an idea of that other person until we believe it is complete. Once it is in theory complete, our interactions are even more filtered through what we expect the other person is believing, thinking and feeling based on this character we have created. We have essentially written a story about them and filled in their character profile. The ideas we have about that person form the basis for how we interact with them and how we interpret what they say and do to mean. For me this concept is mind blowing… just Wow. Absolutely wow.
For me this does a number of things:
First, it helps me to realize how much more I want to work on staying in my curiosity because I want to actually listen to those that are in my life so that I can be a learner.
Second, it helps me to remember that my thoughts are not the only truth, simply an interpretation of the truth. The truth is neutral. Thoughts are the meaning we provide the truth, in order that it plays along with the story we are telling. That Is powerful.
Third, it helps me to remember not only how powerful story is, but to remember to ask myself what story I am telling myself and realize that I have the power always to rewrite my story in a helpful way.
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To you, I am who you need me to be. I am a projection of who you think I am which is a tangle of what you see in yourself and what you need to see in the world to keep telling the story you are telling.
Too many times, I have heard the disappointing words of one woman telling me that “they were not impressed” by another woman that they met; a woman that they expected to be one thing, and they met her and she was “just normal” with insecurities, and failures, and weaknesses, and flaws…
If you met me, this would possibly be your reaction. And I say this with utter self-love and acceptance of who I am. You would meet an ordinary woman, and whatever story you had created for me… whatever character profile you assigned me would be disappointed, because I am not your story, I am my own.
The whole point of today’s narrative is to remind you of how much power you have, and yet that the power that you do have is most likely not where you think it is or where you are applying your efforts to control. That is the case with most humans most of the time.
There is so much power in letting go of assumptions; there is so much power in letting go of our stories; there is so much power in figuring out what story we are writing for ourselves; what story we are writing for the world; what story we write for our place within the world. Our power has to do with our story. That is always where our power has been, but we feel helpless until we become aware of our stories.
One of the most powerful decisions I have made, I have made most recently and it is the decision to be okay with discomfort. I have learned that circumstances are beyond my control; that my brain does not like not being unable to control circumstances because that uncertainty feels like danger. My very very human brain is built to keep me safe, and as a result it writes a story about circumstances that are not always helpful, because it wants to try to control what it cannot so that we can be certain we can always be safe.
The reality however, is that we are not safe and yet we are… it’s a constant flux and open to interpretation. But our existence is not about being safe or unsafe, even though it makes sense that we want to be safe. Our existence is love. Our existence is growth, and neither of those come with certainty or safety.
So, I have decided to get very comfortable with discomfort; I have decided to ride the waves so to speak, and making this decision, and taking steps to investigate my thoughts and feelings EVEN MORE… (including observing my actions to figure out what thoughts and feelings are motivating those actions) has been one of the most beautiful and difficult steps in my journey. It has kept me curious. It has kept me growing and healing. It has kept me open and feeling, and in that sense, I have never been more alive. I realize that life is not about avoiding the one thing we are all guaranteed, death. Life is about living; so, once we figure out what living really means for us; a meaning that actually helps us to thrive and spread love, we get to live free from the prison of a life of numb safety. A life of insane perfectionistic attempted control. I will never be perfect; I will be human. The worst pain does not come from dying, but from not feeing alive while there is breath in my lungs.
I hope this meets you today my friends. I hope this spreads a little bit of love from my open, radically imperfect heart to yours and I hope you know that your story is there for the writing. You get to write it however you want, and no matter how hard things get, you will never be helpless again when you surrender what you never could control anyway.
Until next time, this is Holly Ann Kasper, The Radical Imperfectionist