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This week I am sharing what’s been going on with me and how much I realize that I need to reduce the clutter of my world; those things that clutter my time and energy and mind, so that I can focus on what is important. I realize I was getting wrapped up in trying to do too much and in expectations that were making me feel like I was constantly failing. I talk about holding space and some areas I am going to focus on to making shifts in my life. I hope this resonates with you and is helpful. Have a great day!
TRANSCRIPT:
Hello everybody! IT has been a while. I hope you’ve had a great day and I really want you to know how much I appreciate you and your place in my life. This journey is powerful and even if we don’t know each other personally, we are connected through the work we are doing to love more… loving ourselves and loving those around us. That’s one of the most intimate things in life and I want you to know how grateful I am that you would embark on such a journey with me.
Anyway, I love talking about my struggles… that’s where the growth is and that’s where my messages always start. So, my struggle lately has been in my reactions to the speed bumps of life. It’s been in the speed at which I have been trying to live my life and the expectations I have on myself. I have been adding more and more to my plate… I am incredibly inspired and excited to continue to grow and learn and spread this message of love and healing to the world, and in the process have let go of a few key needs that I have. I started to get a cold and my overwhelm of what I wanted to do started becoming obligations of what I had to do, and I started feeling rushed, crowded and then out of control.
Now, this is pretty normal to experience. I get that, but that doesn’t mean that it’s ideal and something we need to accept and continue pushing forward. My traditional reaction to this would be to just keep pushing and keep going, with a sort of stand-off resistance to my body’s signals… but I am learning more and more… although, it did take me getting a cold and then having a powerful muscle spasm in order to slow down enough to find that time to reflect with brutal honesty.
You see, the speed bumps that take us off of the treadmills of life are not interruptions in our lives, they are actually forks in the road. They’re key and very important… but when we refuse to allow the message in and see the choice we have in those moments, and instead push and push and push, we get stuck. Our bodies or our lives will feel like they’re against us because things will become harder and harder. The speed bumps we have; when something happens, when we get sick, when there are inconveniences; these are here as a reminder that life is happening right here and now. They can have powerful influences on our ability to anchor ourselves within the present moment and to see how much power and choice we have. They can be utterly annoying or heart breaking of course, because when we actually acknowledge them, we have to acknowledge what isn’t working or what has happened and what we need to change or how we can respond and that can be incredibly hard. When we have no love and compassion for ourselves, then it can feel almost impossible as this can feel like it’s just affirming that we are indeed failing. The emotions we have that are challenging are also signals to us, speed bumps again if you will, to our circumstances and the choices we have within the circumstances of our lives.
The past month or so I have felt like I’ve been running a bit more on fumes. I have felt a drawing toward a needed shift in my overall relationships with my children and with my husband and balancing my life in general. I have felt deep conviction in the posture I have been often times taking with my children and my husband. Because I wasn’t reflecting deeply on these promptings (I was giving myself no space to do something as inconvenient as this) I was feeling deep shame which perpetuated the very actions and reactions I knew needed to change in my marriage and parental relationships. This isn’t to say I am holding myself to an impossible standard in my relationships, but just that something was off and I had a choice to make. I finally started to feel a cold coming on and my children were coughing again and I started to feel deep dissatisfaction with the frustrating timing of this. The school year was beginning, and I had a lot to do… or did I? I mean, this culture is so obsessed with being busy and I am good at desiring the approval of those within my culture. It is easy to want to feel like you meet the standard of a “good” fill-in-the-blank and in order to do that we feel that we have to do and be it all. And despite the idea behind The Radical Imperfectionist, I was finding myself struggling to stop and acknowledge these wrestlings and sit with and digest them. Well, I finally gave in a little and just stepped back and took a break. I did no videos. I did no podcast episodes. I simply worked on sleeping and reflecting and connecting and doing my day to day “stuff” and trying to pay attention to what was going on. It was eye opening. I realized that even though my intentions are to be connected with my kids, many of my actions and habits of ways that I have dealt with them in our relationship are reactionary out of beliefs I have and triggers that I am still working on. Even though I have been working on these triggers, I have been reacting to my kids so often instead of responding to them. The same goes with my husband. I found that I was irritated with him when he disagreed with me. I was making assumptions of how he felt or what he would say and I was not giving space for any of them. This realization was actually a huge key for me as I realized that so often when I start to recognize that there is a less than ideal way that I am responding to anybody in my life, it is so often because there is something similar within myself that I am not accepting; something I am feeling shame and fear about. Whatever they are saying or doing I am interpreting as reinforcing that idea and it feels too emotionally painful to face when I’m not aware of it.
The point of this story is that I realized, in all of this, that I need more space in my life. Just as clearing the clutter in our homes to have more space to live, our internal lives need more space. To give ourselves more internal space we need to take time to be with and clear out some of the clutter that’s there. I have not been giving myself space. I want so much to be there for everyone on the platforms that I am working to build that I had forgotten to be there for myself in ample amounts, one of the primary keys to embracing myself. I can’t embrace myself without time to be with me. I can’t grow unless I can see what’s going on enough to reflect on it and find the meaning, and when I am not embracing and growing, there is no way in the world I can be a source of true empowerment for me, let alone anybody else.
In taking time to reflect on this, I realized how much I need to focus on; taking care of myself and my relationship with myself; connecting with God; and taking care of my family and connecting with my family. I also need to spend time nurturing friendships so that they too can thrive. I realized how much I was trying to do it all in a sense, and although this is a constant struggle for me, I realized that my role in your life and anybody else’s life that I reach with my mission here is not to be it all, but simply to share in the journey with you and be a source of that empowerment. But only in doing the work myself in an unhurried way, and living for myself the best life possible can I ever be any sort of encouragement, connection or inspiration for you. And I will do that, vulnerably and imperfectly. I will walk with you, but I won’t be the girl with all of the answers or with perfect videos or episodes. I will be the girl laying it out there and giving you what helps me, once I have taken care of myself, connected with God, taken care of my family, and connected in my key relationships. This is something I am going to take very seriously as it’s been so clearly laid before me in these past weeks.
So, the problem is not the speed bumps. The speed bumps are critical parts of life, just as our emotions are. The problem is our reactions to them that either help us or set us back. It’s a difference between living in reactivity in a hurry, feeling less than, depleted and like your falling behind, versus proactively doing less of all of it and finding and holding space in your life for your life, and the speed bumps that come your way.
Hang in there, as I will go over what I am focusing on in the hopes that it will help you to move forward if you struggle similarly.
The point to all of this is that when there is no give there is no grace. We can’t find space for the things that matter in our lives, including the passions we supposedly are living our lives for, when there is no give… when our lives are so full that we are constantly feeling like we don’t have enough time or energy. There is no more time in a day. There never has been and there never will be. There are 24 hours in a day. And we only have so much energy to expend in a day. There are critically important things in life that are non-negotiable… like sleeping, eating, and breathing. We need to take care of our bodies and we also need to take care of our priorities, but so much of what we do are not priorities.
So, Rebel from the culture’s messages of doing more and being more productive. Choose to let go of certain things and realize that you are going to be good at some things and not as good at others. You can absolutely work toward improvement in weaker areas, but don’t try to do it all or you’ll miss your actual life pursuing everything else. I’m not saying don’t pursue your dreams. I am not saying don’t dream big. I’m saying, realize that if you have all of the dreams, you’ll never be here and now and no life has enough room for all of the dreams. We so often are pursuing something we think will make us happy, when the happiest we could ever be is internal and right here and now. Take out what you don’t need or doesn’t fill your cup. Say “no” more to what over-clutters your time and “yes” more to what will nurture your body, your relationship with yourself, God, your family and your loved ones and make sure you have expectations that don’t leave you feeling like a failure every. Single. Day…
Three things I have realized will help me over the past several weeks. First, again, do less. Be picky with what you include in your life and your time. The things you spend your time on MUST include nurturing what matters, starting with your internal world and body or you will NOT find peace and happiness… not to mention the energy to do the rest. The time you spend should be nurturing yourself, your relationships and passions and spreading love. We all have things we need to do that feel like they don’t fit into those categories… I get it. But you can’t do it all… So, pick three things a day and take a step toward each, or the ones that must be done, but don’t fill your day with tasks that squeeze out your needs, your marriage, your kids and other relationships so much so that you run on empty and never feel like it’s even worth it.
Second, accept that you can’t control it all. Speed bumps are often in the form of something that is beyond your control. Perhaps it was in your control, but no longer is and now you’re struggling to move past the fact that you could have controlled it and didn’t and now you have to deal with the backlash. Maybe you didn’t sleep, take care of yourself, and as a result you’re run down and on empty, like I was. Don’t get stuck in the fact that you maybe could have prevented it. Anything that is in the past is beyond your control. It is something you now need to accept. This doesn’t mean ignore it. Don’t let it be wasted, as all of it is a lesson. So, allow it to be something you find a lesson in, and forgive yourself if you need it and write down the lesson with gratitude and move on. Choosing to learn from challenging experiences allows us to write the story in a positive way so that our brains will tell the story in a positive way going forward and helps to empower us. Even our negative or challenging emotions are meant to be a signal to look at something that needs reflection, not something to wallow in or punish ourselves with.
Third, and I said this before, GRACE!!! You cannot give grace if you have no space. You need room to breathe, think, ponder, and reflect to find the meaning in the events of your life. When you take time, you can see the lessons of experiences. When we have space to process, we can actively work on our thoughts so that we know that we are loved and lovable. So we know that there is a reason we have done all the things we have done and we can see all of it with empathic loving eyes. We can see all of it with understanding and we can give ourselves grace. When we are able to see through this lens, we can give others grace as well. It’s when I am stuck judging and shaming myself that I am unable to give those around me grace and love because I have none to give. When stuck in judgement and shame ourselves, we export that judgement and shame.
So, this week I would encourage you to work to create space in your life. Create space for the life you actually want and are trying to live with your time and your energy, seeing them as the precious finite resources that they are. Let go of expectations of doing it all. Realize that you’re not supposed to do it all and that this lie hijacks you from the present moment and relentlessly sucks the joy out of your life. Remember that embracing ourselves means recognizing the beauty of the present moment and our present self, as imperfect as we may be and as messy as our current moment may feel. Finding happiness starts with accepting ourselves completely and what is in this moment; happiness doesn’t exist in the future; it only exists right now. If you live in the future or the past, you’ll never find happiness. You are enough without all of the doing. Your enough-ness exists in your being. Sit with that. When we give space to ourselves regularly, we offer space and grace to the world around us and in that way, we spread love. When you feel promptings to reflect on something that is bothering you, don’t fly over the speed bump or ignore the promptings. Write it out, reflect on it and hold space for yourself and make decisions so that you can live the life you actually have here and now more powerfully and more engaged. Have a week full of moments that you are actually in, whether laughing, crying, hugging, doing dishes, or just sitting still. Just have more moments that you are in your life embracing it, doing less and living more in all of its beautiful imperfection. You are enough, you always have been and always will be.
This is Holly Ann Kasper
The Radical Imperfectionist