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Today, I want to shift our attention to what we can control. Letâs dig into emotions, particularly happiness. Here we talk about the work of Byron Katie and Brooke Castillo and others, as we understand what âthought workâ even means, and how to find power on the inside (where we can feel so helpless and overwhelmed). This is meant to empower you and bring peace, and I hope it does my friends, because our mental state matters now more than ever. It affects how we show up in the world, and the impact we can and will make depends on the thoughts that we allow to tell our story.
TRANSCRIPT:
Hello My friends, how are you doing? Really? Are you just over it? Over all sorts of stuff? Maybe youâre not but you just donât know how you feel. Maybe youâre doing great. Well however youâre doing, today I am ready to just talk about something else already.
Iâm not downplaying what is happening in the world, but I am saying itâs not the only thing that matters right now, no circumstance ever is because life continues and there are all sorts of other circumstances;
I think we can all use a slow down on the constant barrage of opinions and information about it all. Biased or unbiased, even our bodies need a break from good food so that we can rest and digest and grow⊠likewise, our minds need a break too⊠there needs to be balance, and today thatâs what I want to do. I want to give you a mental break. I want to help you step out of the world that you are in for a moment to contemplate some different ideas so that you can step back into your body and mind feeling a sense of rest.
As you know, I am all about thoughts and something called thought work. Until you understand more foundationally, what it is I mean by âthought workâ, this just sounds a little quirky, Iâm sure.
The truth is that we live in a world externally, but our experience of this world is created internally by our thoughts and emotions.
Thoughts are the language of the brain. They are sentences which our brain uses to propose to us interpretations about what is going on, about what everything means for us. Our brain uses what it knows, or has formed as an understanding of the world; including compounded assumptions, to make these sentences, or verdicts of what it all means. This is constantly happening without our awareness, and without this function we wouldnât have the abilities we do as humans. Our species is capable of great masses of growth in every area because of the way our brains are able to do this on auto pilot, compounding information, making neural pathways in our brains so that itâs easier to build upon what we already âknowâ or think we know to continue learning and growing.
At the same time however, it is with each of these interpretations of the world through the lens built by those experiences and assumptions that our emotions result. If the thought is a helpful thought for us, then the resulting emotion is helpful. If, however, the thought is unhelpful for us, then the resulting emotion is painful. There is more to it than this, and I am not calling painful emotions bad or helpful emotions good; itâs not black and white. They are just different results that we feel in the body which influence our behaviors and experience of the world.
The facts in the world are in fact neutral. The facts themselves do not generate emotion. Facts are the circumstances without opinion as to what they mean. Once however opinion is thrown into the mix, thought is involved; itâs the storyteller jumping in and perception is interpreting the facts and adding meaning to them, and perception is variable.
If the thought produces fear or shame or resentment or jealousy, or feelings like this, then that is not a helpful opinion/lens/meaning for you. If the thought produces love or peace or joy or any other healing emotion, then this thought is helpful. This doesnât mean that unhelpful thoughts are necessarily untrue. It means itâs unhelpful. It means, if you hope to grow, it is not helping you; It is a thought that will keep you stuck and feeling emotions that weigh you down; emotions that drain you energetically, weaken your immune system, make you irritable and wanting to run.
Also, this doesnât mean we donât take responsibility for our actions, but we donâtâ make our actions mean that we are horrible, useless, hopeless and so on. When we focus on thoughts that produce helpful emotions, it doesnât strip us of responsibility. In fact, in my opinion, it does the opposite because when it doesnât mean that we are not lovable when we mess up, then we more readily accept our mistakes and stay curious to learn from them and love and forgive others amidst their inevitable mistakes as well.
So, today I want to continue to talk about emotions, and touch on happiness because we all need a little more happiness right now⊠and perhaps always, and because emotions play such a critical role in our experience of our lives.
You see, our energy in life is mostly spent on emotions. No, Iâm not joking. Most of what we do is in pursuit of, or evasion of emotions. We are pursuing happiness, love, peace and joy⊠we are evading, shame, fear, jealousy and other emotions that perpetuate pain.
The interesting thing however is that, because most people donât know that it is in pursuit or evasion of emotions that drives their actions, they think they want things themselves. So many people are so out of touch with their emotions and so unaware of their brains autopilot filters that they have no idea. I had no idea, and it felt so deflating to always be in pursuit of but not able to find those feelings I needed because I didnât know how to get it and felt so stuck in my spirals.
This is the mind at work. The mind again makes assumptions of what will produce happiness, or love, or peace, and the mind then tells us we need those things. The mind senses pain, and it tells us to run or fight. It resists emotional pain just as we would resist death, because our brains see the threat as no different. Just as thoughts are the language of the brain, emotions are the language of the body. The emotions produced by a thought connect the body to the mind inextricably. We resist the painful emotions and relish the euphoric ones, but we donât know what theyâre trying to tell us about our thoughts.
As I have found my schedule basically cleared lately, and the opportunities before me have thinned, it has been clearer and clearer to me how much I still want to run from painful emotions and how much baggage I have yet to let go of. I donât always relent to the impulses but they still propose themselves. You see, there is a reason that I am obsessed with this thought work stuff, and that is because I need it more than most people I know!!! đ I have done so much work, but I really have a lot more work to do. I formed incredibly complex thought processes that I unintentionally practiced on auto pilot for the last 37 years, and as a result, I still have my work cut out for me. BUT The difference that thought work has made for me; that is, proactively working to notice my thoughts and understand them and change them so I can change my emotions, my actions and my results in life; is undeniably amazing and unbelievable on so many levels.
In fact, it has now been a year since I began my podcast. My anniversary was last week, woot woot, and I started thought work maybe 14/15 months ago. In that time I have changed my life completely. I am still imperfect, but I literally canât imagine going back. I feel exponentially lighter and less tense. I feel free and acceptable. I feel completely worthy of love. I love myself and though old patterns creep in, I notice them and I can shift out of them much quicker than I used to.
Anyway, going back to it⊠as my schedule has cleared, I am much more aware of the thoughts that have a lot of power in my life still. I have also had thoughts become more heightened because of current circumstances, which has made it even more clear what I need to work on.
One thing I have noticed a lot lately has been my sensitivity to other peopleâs reactions to circumstances. I think that I am normally sensitive, or aware of what other people are doing, and yet, right now because there is a lot that is different, I am even more aware. This awareness has my brain on hyper mode, proposing all sorts of self-judgements oftentimes that are not helpful. When I am in avoidance mode, because those feelings donât feel good, then I spiral in those self-judgements; and THEN I sometimes spiral in judging myself FOR judging myself after all of the work I have done. Then I remember the term âradical Imperfectionistâ and I feel so much better remembering that the goal isnât perfection; itâs healing and growth. I am healing. I am growing, monumentally. That focus has been making a world of difference.
I have talked about this one a lot, but I realized that, just like food that fuels me, I need thoughts that fuel me. The more I let other people propose thoughts to me, the less space there is for my proposed thoughts; or for helpful, intentional thoughts.
My meaning-making machine needs reinforced helpful lenses for what is going on to stay on the road to healing and growth, or my mental peace goes out the window. One thing I keep reminding myself is that all of us are humans with human brains. Me included. I need grace and so do others. I am not in the brains of other people and they are not in mine. I am only in my brain, and I canât even keep up with it most of the time. So, keeping a perspective which seeks to understand; a perspective of curiosity, is the only way to keep on that path. True love wants to really know. Unconditional love isnât hindered by fear, itâs driven by curiosity. So, when I am in the perspective of seeking to understand my own brain, and what others are experiencing in their brains, I am going to find meanings that are helpful.
We are all in the pursuit of happiness in this life. Thatâs what all of us desire deeply. Whenever people want power or possessions or love or anything, it is because they believe it is happiness that this thing will help them achieve. Even wishing for a purpose, for fulfillment, is because we believe that will make us happy.
But when we really understand that our feelings donât come from our results or our circumstances ever, but that it is what we think, and what we think repeatedly (and thus believe) which results in emotions, happiness or lack thereof being included in those emotions; then we can alter our course so that we are noticing our thoughts, and managing our mind and making truly and deeply satisfying happiness a possibility.
This is not to say that results donât then propel our brains to thinking helpful thoughts that then produce reinforcement. It is a cycle. I am just saying that it does start on the internal, despite the way they are connected. Our actions do matter, but they are not what produce our happiness.
My husband and I were just watching a WWII series called band of brothers from 2001, which Iâm sure most people watched 15 or more years ago⊠we love doing this⊠anyway, Just before that we watched a documentary about WWI which had real footage from the soldiers in the war. What was incredible to me in watching these men, and I am not saying they didnât have incredible challenges; was that there was a lot of laughter, and despite the circumstances they were in, there were times when they seemed truly happy and it got me dissecting this topic more.
Because we think happiness is a future destination to get to, if and when we âfill in the blankâ⊠many of us rarely get to experience and really reside in happiness for long, or intentionally hold onto it. Again, it is in chasing emotions such as this that we get trapped. Because our thinking is often all wrong.
Happiness is Right NOW. FOR EVERYONE, despite their circumstances. I have experienced deep depression. I have been in a very abusive relationship. I grew up with incredible challenges, and I donât say that to âwoe is meâ all over you, or to victimize myself, but to say that I have not met many people who seem to experience levels of happiness I now regularly experience, despite the lows I can also experience or have in the past. I also say this to say that this is possible for you despite what you want to say to mean you canât have it. It is not the dominant emotion of my life at all times, no. I still am struggling. I am human and I am living alongside of you. I am not bragging. I am saying that happiness is the result of a thought that we believe, and itâs that simple. It is not something to chase, and it doesnât result when we avoid painful emotions really well. Emotions are simply our bodies communicating with us what our minds are believing. If we want to feel happy, itâs not about âthinking happy thoughtsâ unless we actually believe them.
Whatever you are feeling right now is resulting from thoughts about what something means for you. Maybe itâs the world circumstances. Maybe itâs a relationship. Maybe itâs your health. Maybe itâs money. Maybe itâs your past or an experienced trauma. I am not saying those thoughts are easy to change, but I am saying you actually can find a thought that you believe about those circumstances that feels better than the crappy one that is making you feel horrible right now. I am saying you can rewrite the story that is playing in your head so you feel happy, truly and deeply.
Let me also say, that I am not dismissing your feelings. Feelings are real. They can be rough, and I have been there. I am not telling you that you donât have a right to feel the way you do, not at all. I am only saying that each thought results in an emotion, so if you are feeling something horrible, you can figure out the thought and that is where you have the power. That is where you have a choice. You donât have to fall prey to your thoughts. Most of us do. Most people live life unaware of this, as I did for 35 years, and even now I am constantly learning how to implement this work and heal more. I am constantly growing and discovering what thoughts I have believed for a long time which are hindering my life and how to overcome them. These are also called Limiting beliefs by many people. And the pain of these thoughts is real. It doesnât mean you change the thought like flipping a switch, and the emotion goes away and life becomes all sunshine and rainbows. But just knowing this key is huge and gives you freedom; Gives you a jumping off point; Helps you to start.
If you figure out the thought you can work through the model by Brooke Castillo or the Work worksheet by Byron Katie. I try here to simplify it as much as I can, but these ladies have already done that. I will add links in the empowerment resources page of my website for both. Byron Katie asks you to pinpoint a thought or judgement; to ask yourself four questions, is it true? Can I absolutely know that itâs true? How do I feel and respond when I believe this thought? And who would I be without this thought. Then she has you turn the thought around; flipping the thought on itâs head to see how the opposite can oftentimes feel as true or even more true than the original thought. The way that this works is that it helps you to see that itâs just a thought about facts, itâs not the facts themselves. It isnât to say that perceiving things the way you are in your thought isnât understandable or doesnât make sense. We are story tellers as humans. Our brains are constantly telling a story, but the story doesnât always help us. When we do exercises where we become aware of specific thoughts, just one at a time, that are generating painful feelings for us right now, and we dissect those thoughts⊠we get to not only become aware of the fact that it isnât the only possible lens through which to see the circumstance, but we also get to step inside the shoes of others. We also get to see how good it would feel to not believe that specific thought and we start to see how alternative thoughts could feel just as real⊠and in doing this, the thought loses its power over us. We actually gain back our power to see what is going on inside of us and how these thoughts are running the show when we donât stop and get curious.
Brooke Castillo does similar work, and as a great fan of Byron Katie and many others who do thought work, she created âThe Modelâ through which you can simply plug in any of the factors you know and work your way up or down to or from a thought to figure out what you are believing and how itâs impacting you; to then see an alternative thought that feels better (WHICH YOU BELIEVE â thatâs a huge key here) and then see how that influences your emotions and therefore your actions and results. She starts with circumstance (facts), then the thought, then the resulting emotion, then the resulting action, and finally the results in your life which in turn reinforce the initial thought.
This work by these women and others is incredibly powerful. I have been doing more work than ever before with the time spent at home. Not only because of the time spent at home, but because I feel my need heightened with other emotions coming to the surface amidst my circumstances⊠and amidst other peopleâs strong thoughts coming into my life.
Additionally, right now, I have been meditating every single day for the last three weeks. Traditionally, I have tried to meditate and I have finally found a method that is working wonders and is so simple, itâs fool proof⊠and ADHD proof hahaha⊠anyway, that has made a profound impact on me as well and Iâll share on this in the next episode more as I have a bit more experience to reflect on and share. This type of meditation is vedic meditation, and brings your mind into a deep rest without much effort at all. It feels like youâve had a nap but you come out with energy. You arenât stopping the thoughts, but sinking down below the thoughts as though you are at the base of the ocean and the thoughts are the waves on the surface. More on this next week, but it has also helped me a lot so I wanted to share just a bit.
Basically, this week, I am just sharing that despite your circumstances, you can feel the feelings you want. But first, acknowledge the feelings you have. Feel them. They are energy in your body and will move through your body pretty quickly if you donât resist them. I mean this. Feel them even more without resistance, as Brooke says, as though instead of trying to keep the door shut on a particular emotion, open the door wide and walk in there with the emotion. You can even intentionally Heighten the emotions and your mind will register that you are actually influencing the emotions directly with your thoughts. Then move through it and let it go; Realizing itâs just a product of your thoughts. Then work through one of the exercises I talked about. You can do Byron Katieâs Worksheet on The Work.org or you can do the model by Brooke Castillo. Both can be found online.
I will share some of the most helpful thoughts that I think some of us can practice next because, again, instead of just allowing thoughts to be dumped into your brain for interpretation and meaning, proactively practice thoughts that you believe that are helpful and you will find yourself much more resilient, now and in the future. Okay, here are some:
Nothing is really personal. Itâs only within oneself that it is personal because it has to do with oneâs own thoughts that they respond in their own life, even to other people. This is true for you and it is true for those in your life.
Your circumstances are neutral; that means, they are without emotion. You add meaning to the situations of your life with the thoughts you believe. These are simply sentences that you believe. As soon as you know this, you have the power to start choosing your thoughts and working to practice those that help and notice and dissect those that do not help you.
You do not have to believe everything you think. Your thoughts are proposals and you get to choose. Celebrate noticing your thoughts and realize that your thoughts are not who you are. They are natural propositions from your brain.
You are not perfect. You never will be perfect. Perfect doesnât exist among humans on this planet and is not the point of any of it. Focus instead on curiosity, on creativity, on love and connection.
There are unlimited opinions in the world proposing meaning to circumstances. Filter what is incoming. You canât filter it all out, but you get to choose how much you let in. You also get to choose what type of information you proactively let in. Notice what goes on in your body when you consume information. Check in with information to stay informed, but try to read between the lines, past the verdicts of what it all means and to the circumstances. Stay curious.
When we arenât aware of the role that thoughts play in our emotions and in the world we form within our minds, we arenât aware of the fact that we are chasing or running from our emotions; and we arenât aware of the fact that we will never reach that destination in the future or get away from the emotions that exist. We have to accept the emotions that are there, feel them and then sit with our thoughts in order to find the happiness that is an option for each of us in this moment. Itâs not rocket science, thank goodness. Itâs simple, even though itâs not always easy. You can do this, and if you just do a little at a time you will gain both confidence and trust in yourself AND MOMENTUM and Motivation to keep going. Keep being intentional about the thoughts you let in and notice the thoughts you are believing.
We are in this together.
Our mental health is going to make the biggest difference right now. It will impact the ways that we contribute and how we show up when we hope to contribute. It is when we come from a place of radical acceptance of who we are and awareness of our worth unchanging that we can spread love to the world. You are doing amazing. And if you are struggling with your kids or your spouse or yourself and self-wroth, or just feeling lonely right now, sister I am with you. I just had a mini melt down because I just needed my space. This introvert is getting a lot of time away from the world, but my world still includes these amazing little humans that often want 100% of my attention⊠and I struggle sometimes to make my need for solitude a priority so my heart can find the serenity in this beautiful deep thought work. I share that because I didnât do it perfectly. I snipped at my kids, and I snipped at my husband and I had to go back and make it right. A year ago that would have tail-spinned me into imposter syndrome and self-loathing, but not today sister. I am imperfect. I am not trying to share that I am anything more than I am. I am not better than anybody, and not worse either. My value is unchanging and the same goes for you. You will have struggles, and that is okay. Where itâs at is right here, right now⊠in the messy imperfection, doing the work we need to do and messing up along the journey of growth. I am radically imperfect and honored to have you in my tribe. So, keep on keeping on this week. I hope that if you are feeling starved for some joy or happiness that this meets you there and gives you a spark of light, and opens your heart and your eyes not only to the beautiful being that you are, but to show you that you can do this. That you have got this. That happiness is for you in every single moment, and all of your feelings are okay.
Until next time, my friends, this is Holly Ann Kasper. The Radical Imperfectionist.