Click HERE to listen on iTunes; HERE for anchor and other platforms; and HERE to listen on YouTube. The transcript is below along with some videos that I hope to help as well. My heart is with you my friends.
I think we all are on overload with what’s going on. We want to be safe, we want to help, we are juggling a whole new set of obstacles as a result of taking action alongside thoughts that just produce fear after fear. In Today’s episode I am sharing with you what I’m doing. This message is to give you some peace and calm right now, especially for those of you that struggled with anxiety’ before any global emergency began. I’m here for you. Please share this with any mamas out there who are struggling in this area. We are in this together.
Transcript:
Wow my friends, what a time we are living in right now, huh? This is interesting and feels crazy. I keep feeling like I’m in the twilight zone… but for real my friends, today I am here to try and help. We all need a little more calm and peace, more sanity right? Sol let’s work on that today.
To all you parents, as a stay at home mom, I get that I am lucky, in the sense that my kids have already been with me pretty much all of the time. This is not new to me as it is for so many of you. Although, we do not usually stay home all the time… but for so many of you, the uncertainty of when you can put them back in school, about your job and whatever else going on already is just a lot.
Sunshine,, I’m with you.
This past week has been a lot. Last week my grandpa died and, faced with the flight situation, I did not fly to Florida to memorialize his amazing life in person with family as I would have loved to do.
The panic is all over the place… I am getting 20 emails a day at least from various companies about how they are handling this pandemic… and I am faced with a dire need to draw internal boundaries for myself in other areas. Last weekend I really was struggling to balance all of the things and changes and expectations, not to mention just being home nonstop with my boys and husband… and Sunday was one of the hardest days I have had in a long time. I was riddled with anxiety, and could feel it in my chest. The vibration of anxiety can be a tangible one and I recognized it. I wanted to cry and scream and although I didn’t totally lose my head, I could see how easy it would have been to.
But stop, we don’t have to allow this to be how it is or how it stays. This doesn’t have to mean doom. I can’t fix the world. I can’t turn back time and undo what is happening, but I CAN help you to embrace and surrender. I can remind you of all of the work you’ve been doing. Right now, you have the opportunity to really work that muscle you’ve been building. You get to practice more than ever the voice of the hero, of your alter ego, if you will.
When I actually tangibly work to look around me, at what I see in this home… I see my little boys playing, I see a couch, a fridge which I know has food in it and my home is full of noise from the people I love. I am taken care of and what matters most is becoming more and more apparent and prioritized.
We can, right now, really get taken adrift on a story-boat telling the circumstances from the worst possible perspective. But look, we can’t change what’s happened, and if we choose to look at the circumstances from a doomsday lens, then all we will do is back ourselves into a corner mentally where we won’t be of service to anybody, most notably ourselves and the future that lies ahead for us.
We can stand together (well, metaphorically as we honor the social distancing) to do what we each and all think is best for each other and the world, or we can hide away in fear of what might happen. By hide away, I don’t mean stay home… of course… all of us, or most of us, are doing that. I mean, we don’t shut down the prefrontal cortex of our brains, the part that allows us to actually think critically, to learn, and live in fight or flight, catastrophizing and numbing out and consuming more and more to fuel the fear-producing thoughts. I mean we stop numbing out. We stop running from it. We can face reality without being consumed by fear or anger, even if it sounds impossible.
Back to ground zero… All that our fear is, is a result of a thought we are having. Fear is an emotion and emotions come from our thoughts. Our thoughts come from our brain’s interpretation of the facts of our circumstances. The thoughts are not the facts, they are what we are proposing or choosing to believe that the circumstances in our lives mean for us. So, if we refuse to make the circumstances we all are facing right now mean terrible things for us, that doesn’t mean we act ignorant and do nothing. That doesn’t mean we blindly continue our lives disregarding the seriousness of the situation. Again, It means that we don’t lose ourselves in the story of the worst case scenario. This means we can maintain focus on our brilliantly beautiful imperfect messy lives for what they are right now and accept them; we can ask ourselves what we can do. We can decide to choose to do those things that we can and as we do, to do them amazingly well. Then we can start taking action right now in that area.
So, today I want you to remember that, for once you can be sure that you are not alone in what you’re going through. Every single person is experiencing an impact from this pandemic and it is not just you. I want to encourage you that this is not the end, and that your power is not gone. Some of you are struggling with incredible obstacles because of this pandemic, and some of you aren’t quite feeling it yet. I want to make a comment about that because it came up today when I was talking to my friends. Please let go of the guilt of this not being harder for you if you are not suffering. The fact that people are suffering or struggling right now is not your fault, and the fact that you’re not does not make you a monster. Because of the social isolation it can really make us have to make extra effort to figure out how we can help our neighbors and other people in our lives, but if you pay attention you will notice how incredibly creative people are getting in order to be very connected. A friend made that comment this morning, how despite the fact that we can’t come even into close contact with other humans, people are finding ways to deeply connect right now and that is a beautiful thing.
Some of the thoughts I have struggled with that I am facing and working on have to do with the guilt of not suffering more than we are. Yes, this is impacting my family, but because I have friends whom this is impacting on a very severe level already, I have thoughts which propel deep guilt. But I am rejecting that thought and turning it around. I have also struggled with managing my own thoughts so that fear isn’t the dominant emotion in my life. I do not want my actions to be the result of fear, but conscious proactive decision making. But this is hard work and I’m doing it alongside you my friend.
So, Today, focus on what you can do. Get out some paper and write out the things you’re able to do now. If you are unable to work and have all of this time at home now that you’re filling with content that is making you feel fear… get clear. Have you wanted to cook? Have you wanted to read? Learn about a specific topic? Spend more time with your kids? Do you have an idea of how you can help in the world right now, while honoring the guidelines in place to slow this thing down with social distancing? There are a lot of things you can’t do right now, but focusing on them doesn’t do anybody any favors. That just neglects the choice you do have… to do some things you haven’t been able to do for a long time. So what if for today you picked one thing you finally have an opportunity to do and have wanted to; something that really matters, and do it; and DO IT WELL!?!? Some of you feel like you’re drowning without any time at all. You have everyone at home all at once, you’re trying to manage your job in these new circumstances, and have additional stress with other factors playing a role here as well. The answers to this question look different for you but the question is still the same… what can you do? What are the most important things? Can you figure out a few things each day to do and focus on those things? Can you change your expectations in your home for your family so that mental health needs are met for you and your family? Maybe you enforce recess if you have a yard for your kids to stay outside for an hour twice a day to give you some more time. Can you see this as an opportunity to assess anything that isn’t going well with how things were going before? What if you just sat with the question what can I do and let the ideas pour onto the page for five minutes? This doesn’t mean you’re committing to all of it. You’re simply shifting your thoughts.
Next, stop consuming content on the virus. I’m not saying don’t check in and learn about it or stay up to date… but turn off the constant stream. A common thread with anxiety is the constant thread of information enforcing thoughts that create fear. Choose your thoughts with intention instead of allowing your thoughts to be dominated by other people’s choosing. Yes, this is real; but it’s not everything. Consume content that lifts you up, encourages you and fuels your mind with good ideas. Offset the attack on your brain of fear-producing thoughts and predictions and listen to a podcast that encourages growth or read a book that helps calm anxiety… or focus again on the thing we just talked about that you can do right now.
Also, How you can love your family, yourself, your neighbor. When we are focused on helping others, it’s hard to be consumed with fear… nearly impossible in fact. Set a time for check in’s and set a timer when you check in so that you don’t get sucked in and never come out. I recommend you NEVER check the news first thing in the morning, unless your job requires it. I recommend first reading some books, connecting, moving your body and working on your thoughts before you ever read or watch news. Minimize your source. I don’t recommend reading everything on social media, even if that’s hard not to. Right now the only thing I’m doing on Facebook is posting through my Instagram account what I am hoping to be uplifting content and responding to posts where I am specifically tagged.
How do you want to feel? Choose on purpose how you want to feel by the thoughts you allow to dominate your mind. What you consume when you watch or read the news are thoughts about the current circumstances. Yes, some of what you learn are the facts but the vast majority is interpretation of the facts and what that means for us all. Understandably, we need that to some degree, but if it’s constant, and the meaning given you is one of doom then you are choosing to sign up to be stuck in fear.
So, are you offsetting any of this? Are you filling your brain with helpful ideas? Your incoming ideas should be predominately positive and helpful, helping you know how to overcome this obstacle; how to learn, grow, heal and help… not how you are doomed.
Output is important too… you need to get that stuff out of your brain. You won’t know how much is in there until you start to let it out. So, pull out a journal or your computer and let it all out; give your brain a total purge… if you’ve heard of Marie Kondo… do that to your thoughts… allow them all out on the page like you would put all your clothes on the bed and then read back through. IF a thought doesn’t spark joy, you can let it go. You can still keep the facts. You can still understand what is going on right now, without making it mean stuff for you.
But again, first, Let it all pour out. I know a good friend and I just talked about how hard it can be sometimes to journal. We have walls up and we don’t want to see it and then we talk to our sister or best friend and it comes pouring out of us. So have that person and take the wall down and let it pour out. Even if you just start on a call and then pour the rest on the page, you will get the truth of what you’re thinking out sometimes just by talking with a trusted person in your life.
If you’re a mom and it’s impossible to have a phone conversation then Get the Voxer app – it’s free (and I’m not affiliated with them) and it’s therapy if you have good friends to share it with, no joke. It’s the best conversation platform for mamas.
Laugh, laugh laugh and cry cry cry. Why would I say this? Because it helps you to actually feel those feelings. They don’t just go away. They are pent up energy in your body that need out. Censor this if kids are around people… I’m not joking… I’m gonna give you a second… alright, ready… have sex. Lots of sex. Your spouse will love me for this one. Laugh, cry and have sex. Gasp, I know… judge me all you want, but you know deep down how much better it would feel. This is a time to be kind to yourself and your body.
If you want to keep your immune system up that means you need to take care of yourself, and your emotions have a great impact on your health. So, feel the feelings and have an outlet. If you are struggling to get off of social media and feel those feelings, then put a blocker on your phone. Turn your phone off completely for an hour and force yourself to Vox a friend or to journal. Set up screen time controls in your settings, you can do it by the app and it’s super easy. I’ve had to do this to myself. I’m not kidding. If it weren’t for laughter, sex, Voxer, some limits on mindless social media and my journal… okay, and some good tears, I would be a basket case right now.
Move your body. This is a way to get more energy out and to love yourself. It can be dancing, it can be yoga, go for a run (honoring the social distancing) and whatever else you love that feels really good for your body that you are able to right now. Do the things you need. Your kids will follow suit.
Oh, and if you’re a mama finding yourself in a tough spot homeschooling right now and trying to work or whatever it is… my advice is let go of your expectations. Give yourself grace. Meet your life where it’s at and try to find moments of beauty. This might not be your long-term path but it is somehow a gift to be with your kids even if it seems like the opposite. Study them and just play and be together whenever you can because remember they will be adults much longer than they are kids, and that will be for the rest of their lives. This will be a time you’ll always remember, all of you, so try to create some fun memories that can lift all of your spirits.
This is also a great time for a family meeting. Don’t give too much information to your kids if they’re super young but explain how you’re doing and what you can and can’t handle. They’ll know your stress isn’t because of them and problem solve together. Tell them your difficulty and let them tell you theirs. Lay it all out there, again filtering so not to use our kids as our therapists, but allow them to step up and be a part of the team. Prioritize and allow this to strengthen your bond.
I know there is a lot to worry about… believe me, I do. I was always the expert of worry. BUT All it ever does is make things worse. It DOES NOT prepare you for the future or move you along. It is not the way of the problem solver, so don’t let that voice in your head trick you. Plan out a chunk every day to ask yourself questions about solving problems and if they are not in your control work to let them go. This is what thought work is all about, at the foundation, let go of what you can’t control BY changing your thoughts about what they mean for you. What it all means for you is an option… You get to choose.
I am just so grateful to have this platform right now to share with you and I’m going to work to support you my friends in this time. We truly aren’t alone in this, but let’s not let this break us. Let’s allow good change to come from an incredibly challenging situation.
Alright my friends, remember, You are able to bless those around you and yourself today, how can you do that? Tag, you’re it. I hope this leaves you more full than you were my friend and in a curios and empowered perspective, with less fear and hopelessness. You’ve got this sunshine… And I’ll be here when you need me.
This Is Holly Ann Kasper
The Radical Imperfectionist