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It is uncomfortable to find yourself wrestling with competing thoughts/beliefs, emotions and actions. As humans, we all struggle with cognitive dissonance, but just becoming aware of this predicament as the very human occurrence that it is releases a lot of the power in this mental struggle that we face. In this episode we talk about Cognitive Dissonance; What it is, how it is pretty rough for perfectionists and some steps in moving through it toward the life we want, and to enjoying the life we are in. Send me a message by clicking on the contact me tab. Text the word “Imperfect” to the number 228-28 to receive the RE-Write Your Story Worksheet as a gift from me to you and to stay up to date on all the good stuff. Enjoy and have a wonderful day!
Hello My friends,
I hope your week has gone wonderfully so far. This week we were so blessed to be able to fulfill one of my dreams going on a 4 night trip out in nature as a family; we went to Santa Barbara and stayed in some cabins at El Capitan… my eldest and I hiked up to see some baby goats, llamas, and lots of beautiful nature along the way. We stayed there with some homeschooling friends of ours and got to get to know them even better; I spent hours thinking about my future, dreaming up what I am going to reach for, and sharing with inspiring friends. We connected with each other, with friends, with nature and we disconnected from the normal day-to-day life that we all experience. We disconnected from have-to’s and shoulds and we sat with the sounds of wild creatures; looked at the overwhelming beauty of the stars in the night sky and we got to really spend time thinking intentionally about what we want to think about. I needed it. I wanted it. I loved it and my soul drank in every minute of it; despite the fact that not one, but both of my kids were sick and I was still getting over a sore throat and earache. I am so deeply grateful.
Anyway, today I want to talk about thoughts that don’t align with other thoughts or our actions. This is actually called Cognitive Dissonance and has been a fascinating topic to me for some time.
According to the oxford dictionary, the term cognitive dissonance means – the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs or attitudes especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change. This term represents the feelings of discomfort that result from having thoughts or beliefs that are misaligned with our actions or with other thoughts, beliefs or new information. This dissonance representing a lack of agreement between thoughts that we have and this can be very uncomfortable, depending on the area of misalignment.
As perfectionists we hold ourselves to a very high standard in certain areas of our lives, if not all areas. So, we can tend to face this dilemma quite often because we are very hard on ourselves and often those in our lives; holding ourselves to an impossible standard. Perfectionists tend to think in black and white, there is a right and a wrong way to do something and so if we do something and then later learn new information that represents our actions as having gone against the new ideal we hold as true, we can find ourselves struggling with the shame of having done something wrong.
When our thoughts are not aligned, we feel the internal discomfort of this and we want to reduce this discomfort. The only way to not feel that discomfort is to change our thoughts.
One reason I find this topic so deeply fascinating is that it’s about our thoughts. It’s all about our thoughts. And the more I do thought work, or more simply put, the more I work on noticing my thoughts, not resisting the emotions that they produce and determining which thoughts are helping me so that I can practice them; the more I am dumbfounded at the amount of power that our brains have to shape our lives. Because happiness is just a result of thoughts, it resides within us. And because happiness is an emotion, and emotions are the results of our thoughts; and I know that I have the ability to change my thoughts, and practice thoughts that are helpful on purpose, the less helpless I feel and the more I act in the freedom that results.
As we go about our days, we are continually presented with new information to assess and catalogue and then assign meaning. Our brains are meaning-making machines. The information about the world is constantly assessed by our brains, but it’s done with a filter which sees that information from a biased standpoint based on beliefs we formed before we even knew what a belief was, assumptions we make and thoughts that we have formed along the way based on our experiences. Our brains assess this information through that filter and assign it meaning, discarding what is not helpful and this process is what creates the experience we have of the world right now. The way we look at the information in the world; the way we look at our past experiences, and the way we actually experience the situations in our lives are all based on what we think. What our brain automatically thinks and assumes and assigns meaning to.
A great example from my own life of how this has really influenced my life, and my happiness, is in the realm of parenting. Before I had kids, my brain had decided what “good parenting” was. It made assumptions of what it was like to be a mother and decisions about what each choice in parenting means for me and for the world. I judged other moms. I judged my mom and then when I became a mom, I judged myself based on these standards. But low and behold, I became a mother, and all of a sudden I was faced with so much that I had never anticipated that I started to re-evaluate what I had thought before. It shook me and it broke me because I had formed opinions of what that would mean for me. I found my identity in being a mom even before I was ever a mom, and I thought that because this was such a dream of mine, and my heart was so deeply in it, that it would come easily to me. That I would be able to align my actions with my beliefs easily, and the result would be bliss. I had assumptions of what happiness was and that I would feel deeply valued and highly successful as a mother. When my little guy came into my life though and I didn’t know what I was doing and it wasn’t instinctual for me, and I couldn’t sleep, and I was riddled with fear and anxiety and shame for wishing he would stop needing me so much so I could just eat and sleep and shower a little; when all of this happened I found myself overwhelmed with this very thing. The lack of agreement of my beliefs and my actions and the new information presented to me from my experiences was so overwhelmingly uncomfortable for my perfectionist self that I just felt like a total failure. I felt lost. I felt alone. The perfect storm of my perfectionist tendencies in full force as a mom along with this very real cognitive challenge that exists for us humans simply EXPLODED my hypothetical perfect little world that I had set as the standard for myself as a mother.
I think motherhood is one of the best things that can happen to a perfectionist, but by far the hardest thing we can experience. I think that parenting causes us perfectionists to run ourselves ragged until we just can’t do it anymore, and then we crawl into a cocoon where we sit with our discomfort and we face it; until it sort of destroys all that we thought we were and we awaken into a completely new version of ourselves. We are the same bits, all rearranged and able to see life with more love and grace than ever before. It hurts like hell; this perfect storm, but it brings us to our knees and then the wings burst through our sides with a relieving kind of pain that leaves us new and more whole than ever before.
Perfectionists struggle with cognitive dissonance often and this results in imposter syndrome (where we think nobody really knows us, and that feels very true because we are in hiding in our trying to be perfect, so much that we often don’t even know who we are); it causes us to procrastinate and delay decisions, because as we grow to see that things are not black and white, that incompatibility with our beliefs produces fear and anxiety and we believe that we will make the wrong choice, and no choice is better, until we are absolutely sure. This dissonance feeds our inner critic, or the voice of the unhelpful story teller. This dissonance leads even more to being biased, because we want so badly to get away from the discomfort that we might reject new information, even if from our own experience, that contradicts our beliefs or former thoughts. This is also called confirmation bias. This discomfort can be consuming, especially if the beliefs in question are considered a part of our identity or where we believe our value lies. Because of all of this, we struggle with choices and making decisions to actually grow in our lives.
Even though this causes struggles, and even though cognitive dissonance is something that all humans experience (and even more in perfectionists) it can also be used in our awareness practices and we can take advantage of this when we intentionally work on our thoughts.
Remember, we always have a choice. The facts themselves are neutral, and it is in our thoughts about the circumstances of life that we get to choose how our life will go. Thoughts are simply one proposed interpretation of circumstances.
So, how can we use this to our advantage? The way we start, as with so much of thought work, is simply becoming aware of it. When I was working on my thoughts around alcohol, this was huge. I wanted to stop drinking, but I had beliefs that contradicted that. I thought that in order to enjoy myself, I had to be a drinker. I thought that I would be socially awkward if I didn’t drink. I believed that only alcoholics quit drinking, and that anybody that didn’t drink, wanted to. Until I recognized that ALL of those are just thoughts that I believed, but that I could change every single one of those thoughts about the circumstances, then I was seriously unable to quit and week after week I would have a drink when offered, and feel like a total imposter or hypocrite inside because I knew I didn’t want to. I would feel like I had no spine and I would question what was wrong with me… until I learned. I learned that this was cognitive dissonance and I learned that I got to choose what I wanted to believe about the circumstances. You see, so often we assume that our thoughts are the facts, and because of that we think they can’t change. The circumstances of alcohol being something that some people drink and some people do not drink are the facts. The thoughts I had were around what would actually serve me. I no longer wanted to drink anymore, and thoughts that helped me align my actions with my desires were what empowered me and were game changers.
So, first and foremost… just listening to this episode is setting the stage for change in your life because now you can start to recognize where in your life you have struggled with this dilemma of thoughts or thoughts and actions. And if you’re confused on thoughts versus beliefs or thoughts and assumptions… all of these are thoughts. Some thoughts you have believed for a very long time, so you can also call them beliefs; some thoughts are just momentary based on things you have believed, and some thoughts are just based on assumptions your brain makes, again because of things you have believed in the past. Thoughts are what your brain is making circumstances mean for you.
So, in the alcohol example for me; the circumstances were alcohol; and that some people drink it. But I didn’t want to drink it anymore (that is a thought) and other thoughts were that I couldn’t quit because I would be socially awkward and that only alcoholics quit drinking and so on. These are all just my brain making assumptions, or making meaning of the circumstances for me.
Now that I can see the difference between the circumstances or facts and the thoughts from my brain, I can see that not all thoughts are true and not all thoughts are helpful; I can see that I get to decide what I do with thoughts that my brain proposes, even if they are thoughts I have held as true for a long time; and I can start to change my life and the way I live at the core, where my thoughts and beliefs are running my actions.
One way that I now do this is to first remind myself that all thoughts are optional, that the circumstances themselves are neutral and that I don’t have to make the meaning of the circumstances mean anything for myself.
Then I can allow myself to accept the discomfort; in essence I can get comfortable feeling uncomfortable. I don’t’ mean I don’t work on my thoughts when I have this dissonance, but I recognize that when we have cognitive dissonance, that my brain will struggle with the discomfort of these competing ideas and it will want to make a quick escape. I don’t have to allow that. I can stop fearing the discomfort and sit with it. I can allow that long enough to separate myself from circumstances and thoughts and feelings, so that I am not reacting or running, but so that I am CHOOSING. Your power is in choosing. You always have a choice. Reacting is choosing, it’s just not intentional. Reacting happens when we allow thoughts and beliefs we might not even be aware of to dictate what we allow circumstances to mean so that we act on autopilot, often times to our detriment. So moving slower so that you can reflect and choose thoughts that help you, will allow you to feel better and to make choices that align with what you actually want in life.
When you can sit with the discomfort also, then you can ask yourself questions and figure out the desire below the competing thoughts. If you are making choices based in fear, then you are accepting thoughts that are not helpful, which produce for you fear; and then you are acting in that fear. That action supports the fear itself, and the cycle continues, and you keep reacting. When, however, you are making choices based in freedom, then you are stopping long enough to sit with what your brain is proposing, and recognizing what is unhelpful. Then you can intentionally choose thoughts that align you with what you actually want, and help to get you there. So, come from a place of desire and freedom, not fear and pain.
As I talked about on the last podcast episode, moving forward in life requires decisions. Cognitive dissonance, especially at the level we perfectionists tend to face, repels us from action. But once we have become aware of this, and we understand how important it is to recognize what is going on, then we can start to practice and strengthen the muscle of choosing. We can decide many things ahead of time and on purpose, also practicing thoughts that remind us that we are not supposed to be perfect, to do it all, or to do it all right. Failure is misunderstood learning. Our paths are about learning, and when we can keep taking steps despite the fear, toward what we want, we exercise our freedom of choice and we get more comfortable being uncomfortable, and we start to trust the process a little more.
Remember, thoughts are not black and white. There is grey. When you make a decision, it doesn’t need to be permanent; it doesn’t always need to be the best decision; and every decision you make WILL HELP YOU LEARN AND GROW. You will start to trust yourself. You’ll start to trust God. You’ll start to see that people that get where they want to go, or where they are supposed to be, got there by taking every little step, one at a time, not by standing still.
So, this week, I hope this new awareness will help you notice yourself when your explaining something away; and you’ll see that this is your brain trying to reconcile some discrepancies; notice the discomfort and sit with it. Try to find space there and recognize if you are moving out of fear or desire. The more personal the topic and the deeper the tie you have in your thoughts of the topic to your identity and value, the more uncomfortable you will feel. This is all normal. Sit with that. Dissect your thoughts. Pour it out in your journal. Send me an email or share with me on Instagram. I promise, the more you sit with this idea and give yourself room to sit with the discomfort and notice your thoughts, identifying the facts and what your brain is making this mean for you the easier it will be for you to make decisions that line up with what you actually want; and just taking steps in general toward growth. Fear is always going to be there trying to persuade us, but acting out of fear, instead of despite fear is what waters the courage inside of us so that we can live more and more free, and shed more and more layers in this powerful work.
You’ve got this sunshine. You are amazing. You’re not going to do this perfect, so don’t try. Just sit with the ideas and allow them to plant a seed of change in your life. Do a little bit of thought work each day. Writing in your journal. Noticing what you’re thinking; practicing helpful thoughts, that you can believe; and you will never regret it, I promise.
Have an amazing week my friends. Until next time. This is Holly Ann Kasper, the radical imperfectionist.