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In this episode, I discuss how to sustain real change… this is about how it doesn’t begin with our behaviors; behaviors are a symptom of our thoughts. You see happiness doesn’t begin with our circumstances either… it all begins on the thoughts in our mind. The stories we tell. If you want to find success with your resolutions, join me, and share with anybody that will find this helpful.
TRANSCRIPT:
Hello My incredible friends,
It has indeed been a while. I have had so much time with my family, enjoying thanksgiving and my anniversary and too many tickle and pillow fights to count. It may seem like I have forgotten you, and alas I have not. I have just been taking some much needed time off to plan, think, read, play, and prioritize. Anyway, I have missed you. I am back and ready to rock!
Going into the holidays, and the new year with the same story means that we will have the same thoughts and the same filters sorting through the world around us; what we see and perceive and how we see ourselves in the world. This means we will have the same feelings and the same outcomes.
This week I want to talk about where real change comes from… because around the new year, everybody is thinking of what they want with this new year, the idea of a fresh start. New year’s resolutions are a huge driver for all sorts of change, or attempts at change.
Much of the change that people plan going into a new year have to do with behaviors, or commonly habits. People either want to stop a “bad” habit, start a “good” habit, or modify a habit that is dominating more time than is desirable. Maybe someone wants to quit smoking, start exercising, or eat less sugar. Maybe people want to stop complaining, start reading, and start going outside more often. The habits range, but the success rate is low.
My perspective on this is that people fail at implementing these intended changes or fail at sustaining these changes long term because of their brain.
A problem that happens when we start with a behavior before addressing the issue that resulted in this behavior in the first place is that we can’t sustain motivation.
You see our feelings come from our THOUGHTS… they do NOT come from our Circumstances.
Most of the time people want an outcome of health and or happiness. Our behavior impacts our lives dramatically, but our behavior, even our habits, are the results of our thinking and the emotions that come from that thinking. I have talked about this over and over again, but until you change the way you think about something, you will not change the feelings about it and will struggle long term to change your behavior, because they are connected that deeply. Again, It’s not your circumstances that generate your feelings… It seems that way. It seems like if your circumstances were different, then you would feel differently, and maybe act differently; but the truth is, the way you think is the way you think. If you are filtering your world through a victim mindset, then you will continue to do that whether you have all the so-called “ideal” circumstances in your life or not.
Last year I wanted to quit drinking. I know this is a touchy subject, and I don’t bring it up without this awareness. I was not an alcoholic. I was not drunk at all hours of the day. I was just done. The funny thing is, my whole life, I always thought that people that didn’t drink were weird. It is such a huge part of our culture, and, for me, having started drinking at 16, it was just a huge part of my own life. The culture I made agreements with on what was fun and what was not said that alcohol was a necessity. The problem is, it was getting in the way. I didn’t like how I felt after two glasses of wine, and yet I would not really say no after two, because my logical brain was shut off after the two. Three would render a headache the next day, and less than ideal sleep. I would have a great time, but more often than not I would find it hard to concentrate on something when I actually wanted to. My energy was less than idea. I couldn’t read before bed if I had a glass of wine. My working memory already has challenges often times, and so adding to that a little wine and I couldn’t enjoy my favorite past time. I am not slamming booze. If you love drinking, the occasional or the frequent, this is NOT a judgement AT ALL. I simply was done. The problem is that even though I wanted to be done, I didn’t know how that would look and my thoughts for twenty years had been that I was a drinker, and not drinking was boring. My thoughts were that people who didn’t drink, wanted to… or would want to if they knew what they were missing. I started to question this. I had already been making a lot of changes in my thinking. I was getting good at questioning what I had always believed and I love testing my own theories. I started to talk about it with my husband, who was supportive. Then I decided I was done. I wasn’t sure for how long, but I committed, and I started reading about it. I read an incredible book, that, if you are interested at all in this topic, is my number one recommendation. It is called “the naked mind” by Annie Grace. This is a book that talks about alcohol, about shifting your perspective on drinking and questioning what you have been led to believe about it. Essentially, it’s a book that gives information that allows you to decide what you think about alcohol and what you want to do, separate from the pressures of society. It was exactly what I was looking for. I knew I simply needed thought food, to change my perspective on it and to allow my goal to become true. I stopped drinking, read the book and read similar articles, and have not had a drink since. Again, this is no judgement. This is simply me sharing how powerful our thoughts are in impacting our behavior. I had played with the idea in the past, but never felt I could. But I was convinced that if something tragic happened in my life, alcohol would become a full-blown addiction, because it had become a pretty solid crutch over the course of twenty years and it was just simply in my way.
Another example is when I heard about a friend who got up early to have time with her family. I loved the idea. I was jealous that she could do that, but I had NEVER considered myself a morning person. She told me that she loves it and that it’s the only way she stays sane, having that alone time before anybody else is awake. It hit me. That’s what I wanted, and the only thing standing in the way was my thoughts. My only obstacle was that I believed that I was not a morning person. To confirm this idea, I saw a post from another friend that said she loved mornings before her days begun. To take a walk, hear the birds, listen to a podcast and set her mind and intention before her responsibilities demanded anything of her. I decided. But I knew I needed more thought food to fuel this. I looked up a book that I had once read, and reread it. The five second rule by Mel Robbins. I am now an early riser. Minus the last several weeks of up and down, and flexibility when I am sick, I typically rise around 5:30 and now have what I always envied in other moms. I have time alone, and I AM a morning person.
You see, you CAN do this. The problem with most resolutions is that they don’t begin with thoughts. They begin with behaviors.
I am now reading a parenting book that is discussing how we need to not begin with the behavior of the child itself, but with the skills they are lacking and the difficulties they are having in specific scenarios. This came full circle for me with this idea of new year’s resolutions and thought work. You see we are so focused on what we are doing and want to change. If it were as simple as changing the behaviors to what we want, then that’s what everyone would do. We would all be doing amazingly well. It’s not our behaviors; it’s our mind. Not only is it our thoughts, but it is skills. Skills require persistence. Persistence requires perseverance, and perseverance requires thoughts that are empowering. Empowering thoughts come from love and truth, and must be practiced.
Look, you’re not alone in this. We are all trying to find our way to living our best life. You cannot do it all at once. It requires thought work, grace, and time. Give yourself those gifts and you have got this!
So how can we do this?
First, if you’ve already decided on a resolution you want to work on coming soon, stop thinking about it as a new years resolution. Start now. Putting it off until the future doesn’t help you. Again, it starts with thoughts… so even if you want to act as of the first of the year, you need to begin changing your thoughts about the behavior you wish to change.
Second, assess the motivation behind your desired change. If the motivation is rooted in shame and fear, this won’t get you very far. Motivation that is rooted in shame and fear might help you initially, but is never worth it.
What do I mean? I used to hate my body. For new year’s my resolution almost always had to do with my body. Lose weight, tone up, eat healthy, work out more. Exercise and eating healthy is not bad. Hating your body, and using those thoughts to punish and shame your body into trying to change is NOT from love. This is NOT from truth.
If this falls in line with what you were thinking for the new year, you are not alone. I have been there time and time again, and much of America as well as other cultures are saturated in this type of cycle.
Don’t despair, there is another way. A way to get the body you love.
Here’s the secret… love the body you have. No, I’m not joking. Fall in love with the gift God gave you. This vessel that makes everything you love in life possible for YOU to experience. Thank your body. Apologize to your body. Shift your thoughts about your body, and notice that your body will also thank you. Your body will begin to trust you. How can you do this? You can look into intuitive eating, you can work with a body positive coach who specializes in this area. You can write love notes on your mirror or on a note card in your pocket, and read them every time you go to the bathroom. You can spend your shower thanking every part you wash. You can sit with your body and ask yourself in what ways your body LOVES to move, and commit to doing that this new year. You can think about what you feel best after eating, and plan that out and commit to that, without shame for not doing it perfectly. You can give yourself permission also to enjoy those foods that you love that aren’t perfect. You can commit to stop punishing and comparing your body, and un-follow accounts that trigger thoughts you’re trying to purge. You can journal rewriting any stories that you need to from your past which shaped the way you think of your body.
This is an example I used because it’s an area where our society needs a huge shift.
Your new years resolution should be one that empowers you and encourages you. It should give you thought food that disarms lies that fill you with shame for who you are and where you have been and the mistakes you made. Own your mistakes, they contain huge lessons, but don’t allow those mistakes to define you. You are life, created on purpose. You living is an expression of God’s love for you, and you need no other justification than that to say goodbye to the lies and shame and fear and pain.
This does not happen with the snap of your fingers. It takes time and work, but the more you do thought work, the more second nature it does become. You will still have hard days, we all do, but you will bounce back easier.
Lastly, remember that habits are habits because they were consistently done for a long time, over and over. To form new habits, you need to practice them. If you’re trying to change habitual behaviors, and as you now know, you need to start with your thoughts… then you MUST practice the thoughts. The thoughts that you are shifting which will help result in the behaviors you desire. If you want to feel more comfortable in your body, then you need to first love your body, and stop wanting someone else’s body. You need to start enjoying your body. When you do you this in your thoughts you will start doing the things you love in your actions. Dance, run, walk, play. The things you have hidden from and kept yourself from enjoying. Whatever it is.
Sometimes, you won’t feel it. Sometimes practicing the thoughts will be hard and you’ll be drawn toward behaviors that you are working to change or away from behaviors you’re working to begin. Recognize this, there is a lie your believing. Keep practicing the thoughts, and during these times remind yourself that it’s all about your thoughts and try to reinforce the truth by your actions. It’s a cycle. Our thoughts result in emotions and then actions and then these actions reinforce the thoughts and emotions they resulted from and so on. If we aren’t feeling it, we are believing lies. We can stop and work on them, and we can also work on acting outside of our feelings. It is helpful to give ourselves space between our emotions and our response to them. This gives us the choice. We always have a choice. The thoughts are incredibly powerful, but owning the choice is also powerful. This might sound a little contradictory, but bear with me.
Your life is lived so much in your head. Your actions result. People do change their actions before changing what’s going on in their head, but it’s a lot harder and the results and sustainability is significantly diminished.
So work on what’s in your head, and when you have to, get out of your head and act in ways that align with your hero self. When you mess up, and act in other ways… give yourself grace. Get curious. See the lesson and move on. You are incredible. You are imperfect. Your journey is amazing because of your imperfection. IF you got it all right, you wouldn’t need the journey and life would have no purpose. So it’s all a part of it. You are in the world on purpose and I am so grateful you are here. I really hope this gives you some tools and encouragement as you head toward the new year.
It’s funny for me to reflect because I remember drinking my friend’s mother’s Rose in her room heading into the year 2,000… unsure of what was to come. I remember heading into the year 2010 as a newly wed, Studying for my California Real Estate Broker’s License, reading about healthy pregnancy and figuring out what all of that would look like. I remember seeing the changes that took place in a woman’s body because of pregnancy and child birth and freaking out… And now, I excitedly and patiently look forward to 2020, with gratitude for all that I have learned from all I have gotten wrong through the journey of becoming a mother and adjusting through the changes of staying at home and how that impacts a marriage and so much more. I am devoted to celebrating even the little victories of my 36 trips around the sun and I am overwhelmed with gifts of many many moments of joy, including the gift of choosing joy actively as much as possible. AND… I am grateful for you. This year has been and will continue to be amazing, just as you are and will continue to be amazing my friend. I hope as you hear this you are inspired to reflect on the many blessings that you have and see your world and opportunities in a whole new light. I hope you have an incredible weekend full of love and passion, connection and laughter… and maybe some good tea and a good book. That’s what I’ll be doing.
This is Holly Ann Kasper, the Radical Imperfectionist