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In this episode, we unpack the need to give ourselves permission; how it in essence forms a bridge from our dreams right through the fear into a radically imperfect beautiful life of freedom that we all want.
Transcript:
Hello everyone,
So, I have been thinking about a thousand different things lately, that have me revved up… but each week I try to share one thing that I think will be most helpful. The one thing that is helping me most at a given time… For me right now this has to do with this idea of giving myself permission.
For most of my life, until recently, I felt trapped by unwritten rules. These rules made it so that I couldn’t live my life fully, I couldn’t get my needs met, I saw the world in a very fearful way and just felt incredibly helpless and trapped. I felt often like I was running a race and just kept falling farther and farther behind. It was like life was one long iron man triathlon and I just keep falling and can’t ever make any significant progress. Well, that is garbage.
But most of us feel this way. We feel like we need permission to live life in a way different to what we know, different than where we are at. This keeps us in a space of judgement, comparison, resentment, jealousy, anger, shame and fear. If we need permission, and never feel like we get it, because let’s face it, it feels as though even if someone else gives us the permission we are seeking we don’t actually have it, as perfectionists anyway, so we keep seeking it; so if we never feel like we get it, we are trapped in these feelings of helplessness. WE feel like we can’t take action and we are constantly saying no to ourselves, to the life that we could live; we are saying no to our dreams and to our own healing and power.
The permission we seek offers us what we need; this perceived permission offers us freedom; it helps us to let go of where we are, and to move into whatever we are really meant for.
The crazy thing about this permission we so desperately seek and need is that it is right there before us. God gives us the permission we are seeking. It’s right there before us, but it’s as though we have blinders. We don’t see it or trust it and we walk around with goggles on that keep us from seeing that all along it’s right there.
The key here is that we are clinging to what we can’t control and surrendering what we can. When we switch this around we can actually own the permission before us to grant to ourselves. We have it backwards…
What are we clinging to that we have no control over? The circumstances in our lives. I am not saying we can’t take action to impact and ultimately in that way change our circumstances. What I am saying is that we are resisting the truth of what actually is and trying to control the facts that exist. The facts such as other people, our past choices and other past events, world circumstances beyond our control, and just what is real right now. We often resist the truth and try to change or control these factors. We also try to control the future, and obsess over this. This is a dilemma manifesting as anxiety. We cannot control outcomes completely. We can again make choices that impact outcomes, but we cannot control them explicitly. Unless we accept that circumstances are not in our control and stop resisting them, we surrender where we do have power in our lives and cannot own that permission, we need to change our lives.
And what do we have control over that we are surrendering? We have the control over our thoughts and our feelings. WE do not keep our power in this area until we become aware of it, but once we are aware that we get to choose our thoughts and the feelings that come from those thoughts we can start to make changes in the way we react to our thoughts and the thoughts themselves. We own our decisions; we own our role in our lives and then and only then do we get to give ourselves permission to make the powerful decisions that will fundamentally change our lives.
Several weeks ago,
I went to a conference for people that are trying to make a difference. There were chiropractors, musicians, authors, coaches, photographers and so many inspiring passionate people that I was overflowing with love and admiration; with inspiration and excitement for life.
The funny thing is that as I was preparing to go to this conference, I started having incredible amounts of anxiety. I was terrified because of the thoughts about what was beyond my control. About who would be there and how they would respond to me. I was terrified of what I didn’t know. This is because I was so focused on what was beyond my control. I did a lot of thought work during this time, but was often, as is common with anxiety, drawn to distract myself rather than face these thoughts producing my fear. Despite my fear, I worked on the thoughts. I worked on not being afraid of the fear. That might sound crazy, but we often just fear the feelings, and so we don’t feel them, we try to ignore them and we create a spiral for ourselves. I sat with the fear, and acknowledged for myself that it was normal. I also remembered something Mel Robbins talks about which is that our bodies respond the same to fear and anxiety as they do to excitement. She talks about how you feel the same in your body and can coach yourself that this is excitement, and it helps you to accept it and change the thought so that it doesn’t spiral you in fear.
I also reminded myself during this time that fear is normal. This helps us to not fear the fear as well. When you recognize that fear is a normal part of growth and pushing past your comfort zone, it doesn’t feel so bad. Being brave is not acting without fear, but despite the fear. It’s feeling the fear and leaning in rather than cowering back, even though the fear makes us want to run and hide.
So we arrived at the conference and I forced myself to act as my hero self. I know who I am, and how I am becoming more whole in who I am; more affirmed that I am enough and lovable, and through this work I was able to let go mostly of other people’s opinions and share passionately in this experience and be present the whole time. I was able to not cowar when sharing my journey with the people I met, and courageously share about what my mission is here with the radical imperfectionist.
This experience was huge for me. Just in going to the conference I was giving myself the permission to make new rules for myself. In going I was giving myself permission to show up in a new way in life, and to open up possibilities for what I can do and who I can help to a much larger horizon. Permission is the bridge between dreams and actions that bounds right through the fear. Giving ourselves permission is acting courageous to do things that are outside our comfort zone.
Then, there was a Speaker, the Raw Goddess, who spoke only for a short while but her entire presentation was on giving yourself permission to own your passion and your mission. Just giving yourself permission. She said it over and over, and as she said it, this gave words to what I was experiencing. It gave wings to what I had been preparing for.
Most of us do not show up in life, instead we are passive passengers. We don’t take the steering wheel, and instead allow our inner critic drive as it judges life and then steers us through our days and months and years, and we feel helpless and sometimes hopeless and overrun by shame, fear and anxiety.
When we realize that we can start saying no to things in life that don’t help us, and we can start showing up for ourselves and saying yes to the dreams God has planted in our lives; then we give ourselves permission to be brave. We give ourselves permission to act on those dreams and build our own courageous bridge over or through the fear right into the living and being that we are all here to do and be. We are not meant ot live for the future or the past. We are meant to live in the present with permission. Permission to let go of what we can’t control, and to own what we do have power over.
Today we will do a simple exploring of the various ways that we can give ourselves permission; again, understanding that permission is the bridge from our dreams to our action. It is the courage that we all have right there before us that we just need to give ourselves. God has already given you courage; he has already given you permission, you just need to own it.
So, for our practice today I am going to list permission you might need to give yourself. Your challenge is to pick three that really hit home with you, maybe they strike a nerve and you know and induce a pang of fear for you. Understand that fear is good and often a signal that this is where you want to and need to lean in but you are believing a lie. Fear is always trying to tell us something about our thoughts that are in the way of living an amazing life.
Before you hear the examples of permission you might need to give yourself, I want you to understand that you are responsible for your life. You are responsible for your Mind, heart, soul and body. Nobody else is going to own the health of these four parts of your being. God always has your back, but these are your responsibility. When you really understand that these are both your blessings and your responsibilities, you can reflect more fully on the permission you need to meet your needs in these areas and own the life you have. I have said this before, but if you feel deep and utter shame and fear, anxiety and pain that you can’t escape and maybe you are depressed but you don’t want to admit it and don’t feel like you have the time or ability to face it, you need to get help. Reach out. Find a therapist. This is so important, more than I can ever say enough. I don’t share these resources to replace the help of a professional, but to help people, who, like me, are seeking growth and healing in their lives; but I understand that I am not all powerful, and that I Am just another person who has had a journey and am sharing in hopes of helping. So again, if you need help, this is your first step, reach out to a qualified professional, your mental needs need to be met before you can meet any other needs. I have done therapy myself, and know the power there is in this. Don’t wait if you need help.
Okay,
So here we go with various ways to offer yourself permission. I will share them with “I need to give myself permission to” statements so that you can follow along and say them as I do, especially if they really resonate with you:
I give myself permission to love and accept myself as I am. I am enough and always have been.
I give myself permission to be imperfect, and to apologize to myself for not accepting my imperfections in the past.
I give myself permission to change and grow. It is okay for me not to live the way I am, even if it feels strange to change my habits and life; I give myself permission to outgrow my current life…
I give myself permission to adjust my expectations. I understand that I am not meant to do it all and need to have permission to adjust my expectations so that life is balanced.
I give myself permission to be happy. It can be hard to accept that it is okay to be happy when I am used to not being happy, or when those around me are not. But I understand that it is a choice, and I am giving myself permission to choose this.
I give my permission to say no; I don’t have to accept what comes at me. I get to choose.
I give myself permission to say yes; I know that I have needs and my needs must come first before I can meet anybody else’s needs. I have permission to say yes to things that fill me up, even if I’m used to sacrificing my happiness to try to do it all or be it all for those around me.
I give myself permission to act. There are things I have wanted to do in my life. I give myself to take steps towards those dreams. I recognize that dreams remain dreams unless I take a step through the fear. I give myself permission to take the first step. What is my dream? What is the first step? When will I do this?
I give myself permission to try new things. It can be intimidating to try something I want to do, and my thoughts can get in the way. Giving myself permission to try new things overrides my fears and opens the door for me to be brave and stop living unfulfilled.
I give myself permission to choose. I recognize that I have choices and have had it backwards, resisting what is not in my control and surrendering my choices about how I will perceive life and thus feel and act. I am now taking responsibility for my life and my ability to choose the thoughts and feelings and actions that my life is run by.
I give myself permission to embrace my body. I understand that my body is a blessing, and that I have never treated it with unconditional love. My body is my ally and I want to team up and support my body. This starts with embracing my body as it is, regardless of what I have done to it or how I have treated it in the past. My body deserves love and appreciation. My body deserves support, starting with how I talk to my body and think about my body, and also how I respond to the needs of my body. My body is not supposed to be perfect just as I am not supposed to be perfect; it is supposed to just be as it is.
I give myself permission to stop competing. Life is not a comparison. I give myself the permission to stop running a race I was never meant to run. I am taking off the goggles that cause me to see life as a competition and recognizing that I am enough, and I choose to see others as beautiful and inspiring.
I give myself permission to let go of other people’s stuff. I let go of what other people think, think of me; expect, expect of me; I let go of other people’s agendas and emotions. I let go of other people’s choices and actions. I understand that this is not my business, fault, or responsibility and has never and will never be in my control. Letting go of this burden brings me energy to focus on my own thoughts, feelings and choices.
I give myself permission to take care of myself. I understand that my mind, soul, body and heart are my responsibility and nobody else’s and need to be a priority. I now get to make the needs I have a priority, even if it is not something I have done in the past.
I give myself permission to feel my emotions. I understand that emotions are not to be feared, and not to be ignored. Emotions are never bad and they never lie. Emotions are a blessing that alert me physically to what I am thinking and struggling with. I respect my emotions, and even if I was told they were bad throughout my life with messages from people or the culture, that was a lie, and I now have permission to feel them. Even if they’re uncomfortable, they’re not bad. The hard ones are here to help me see where I need to learn, and they only leave once I figure out my thoughts and my lesson in truth through love. That is where healing is.
I give myself permission to stop suffering. So many of us have a hard time enjoying life because we have beliefs we don’t even know about, also called agreements, often with the culture about how we can and can’t live. We are not meant to suffer, and we don’t need to feel bad for stopping our own suffering. Stopping our own suffering impacts the worlds suffering more than we can understand because when we heal, we stop spreading suffering and start to spread suffering. I understand that I have permission to stop suffering.
I give myself permission to show up in my life. I get to be present with my family and with my friends, and not be driven by the thoughts about circumstances of this life. I don’t have control over circumstances but I am getting in the driver’s seat for the choices that I have in my life, taking responsibility without shame, but with grace and love and unconditional acceptance.
I give myself permission to forgive. Our culture is so saturated with results of holding onto pain. As I work to forgive myself and others, I work to heal the world of the terrible pain that happens when we hold onto the pain. I understand that the thoughts that I have can be hard to let go of, but when I sit with them and feel the feelings, not running from them I get to rewrite the story in a way that makes forgiveness more natural and helps me to see the new thoughts as true and really find healing through this complete forgiveness. I am not perfect, and nobody else is perfect. Just remembering this and remembering to give empathy helps me to also give grace.
I give myself to stop listening to my inner critic. I understand that I may have listened to the inner critic my whole life, and it will feel strange at first to just hear what the inner critic says, but not listen to the ideas and believe them. I embrace this transition as I start to not only recognize the inner hero, but fuel the inner hero as I listen to and believe ideas that come from this version of my story that comes from love and truth.
I give myself permission to let go. I understand that I have the choice to let go of anything that is beyond my control. I give myself permission to work on my thoughts so that I can move through the emotions and come through them to truth, and in changing my thoughts I no longer need to cling to the lies that keep me stuck.
I give myself permission to stop complaining. I know that it is a habit to complain and I take responsibility for the words that I allow out of my mouth. I know that the words that come out of my mouth also reflect the words in my heart. I choose to own what I say, and apologize when I say things that come from lies; and I choose to speak words that are loving and encouraging; to speak life.
I give myself permission to become who I want to be. I recognize that who I truly want to be at my core is a hero that comes from love. Someone that lives fully and passionately with integrity and love. I give myself permission to become that person recognizing that is also what God wants for me.
I give myself permission to Love everybody. I know that this love must be a real love, that is not conditional but also that real love has boundaries. I recognize that I can’t love others unless I love myself. I have to accept that I am lovable despite my imperfections; that real love has nothing to do with actions and once I accept this at my core, I can really love the world. I give myself grace, from love, to mess this up and to try again.
I give myself permission to take breaks. I know I have habits of pushing too hard, but part of love and acceptance is not trying to know, be and do it all. I have permission to take breaks and change course as needed. I am allowed to not be productive sometimes and see value in rhythms, seasons and rest. I honor my need for rest and down time.
I have permission to let go of my stories. I understand that any story can be told a thousand different ways and that I get to choose how my story is told. I also understand that my inner critic is often telling my story for me, and I can choose not to accept those versions of my stories anymore and to rewrite them with my inner hero. I can choose to tell the story in a way that heals the pain told from the painful version of the story, owning the facts and any part I may have played, but honoring my life and experiences and the lessons and blessings hidden in all of it.
I give myself permission to play and have fun. Fun IS productive, it produces happiness. It produces joy. When I forget to have fun, I neglect a need that I have in life. When I neglect this need, I can often forget what is fun for me. I am allowed to do the things that bring me joy regularly, even if it’s inconvenient for myself or others. ‘
I give myself permission to mess up. I understand that this life is about learning and we learn when we mess up. The lesson is in the mistake. I don’t waste the mistake, as I learn from it, but I don’t shame myself. I value my mistakes and I appreciate the growth it provides. I know that all people mess up and that if we aren’t messing up, we aren’t trying anything of value.
Okay, I hope you found some incredible insight here into what you believe about yourself and what you want to believe. Work on these three areas of permission that you chose for yourself, and write them on sticky notes. When you are recognizing thoughts that you have that are keeping you stuck, try to recognize what you need to give yourself permission for. When you do this you can see that there is a lie you’re clinging to and this practice is practicing thoughts that unwrap the lie and rewire your brain. This takes practice, but if you even commit to doing a little bit daily, even a few minutes, you’ll start to notice a difference. Remember your choice, and don’t be afraid of the feelings.
I hope this empowers you greatly this week and helps you to embrace your life. If you think this would help somebody in your life, send it their way. If you want to follow me on Instagram, or Youtube you can do that, and you can also check out my website for other resources. Don’t forget that I am as radically imperfect as you are and that we were never meant to be perfect; rather, we are meant to do this together, and just become more and more ourselves as we start to recognize the lies and replace them with the truth from love. Have an incredible day my friends! Until next week,
This is Holly Ann Kasper
The radical Imperfectionist