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In this episode I will talk about how imposter syndrome has manifested in my life and how it has impacted my actions. I’ll talk about the concept of confident humility and share some strategies that I use to help to stand up to the bully inside and embrace the blessings of this beautiful life.
TRANSCRIPT:
Many of you may already know what imposter syndrome is, but some of you may not, so let me clarify for you with my understanding of this term. Imposter syndrome happens when you feel like the “real you” does not live up to who everyone thinks you are, or to what you think you should be. It’s when you fear that if (and inevitably when) you get found out; nobody will approve of the real you. Essentially, it’s when you don’t think your enough. With imposter syndrome there is shame two-fold… There is the promised shame that awaits you once you are potentially found out… and there is, while awaiting that shame, an abundance of shame that is present, here and now, because of your perceived unworthiness, which can often successfully work to derail you from whatever positive force is moving in your life. This syndrome is intimately related to perfectionism and as a result, it has been incredibly pervasive in my own life. It is a pattern that banks on lies and thrives in cycling them over and over through your subconscious mind. It can come in many sneaky ways. It can tell you that you didn’t earn whatever good that has come your way, that you lucked out, that you are not as intelligent or beautiful or deserving or whatever as “so and so”. It is ruthless, completely unhelpful, and a load of crap.
Those of us that have struggled with Imposter Syndrome, have had a long and intimate dance with the accompanying fruit of shame and fear and pain that it uses to entangle our hearts.
Per usual, I hope to share a part of my story that fed my imposter narrative;
When I was growing up, I learned some ordinary things and some not so ordinary things. I learned things like how to do laundry young at a laundry mat, how shampoo a carpet, how clip birds wings and cats claws, how to wash dishes, how to clean a home and mow a lawn, and how to bus downtown for groceries. I learned how to give back massages to help my mom find a little relief from her chronic back pain after having been in a couple of car accidents and living horizontally for quite some time. I tagged along to Alcoholics Anonymous as a young visitor and through much practice, I gained the ability to turn a Styrofoam cup inside out by first patiently and meticulously pressing flatter every square centimeter of the cup and then gently turning it outward in a slow methodical way. I would draw patterns and scenes on these inverted cups with ballpoint pens, write poetry on the paper napkins and weave little wooden rafts with coffee stirring sticks. I became adept at carrying on conversations with people from all backgrounds and ages and stages of life and grew desensitized to hearing the heart-wrenching stories of these same people hitting rock-bottom and feeling incredible loss and heartache. I never stopped feeling deeply for these souls even though, over time, it became something not so unusual or shocking to hear for me. Hearing of another person’s pain was a way to see and accept them and understand that I was not the only soul who had suffered internal pain. The skeletons dusted off from the closets of these people opened my eyes and made my heart both more expansive and more fearful of the world at large. I learned how to talk about pain and how to listen and how much an attentive and empathic ear can help. These are valuable lessons for which I am very grateful.
But during this time, there are also so many “normal things” that I told myself that “normal kids” with “normal childhoods” did and learned that I did not. Seeing it this way made me feel like an outsider. They learned some basic and often silly parts of normal life that I didn’t learn or understand and I just felt so different. The kids that I was surrounded with in school knew and understood words and concepts that related to life as they knew it and to which I was clueless; they knew about the fun places to go and have a birthday party, how to style their hair and they knew simple pleasures that I did not; they knew the names of the musicians they loved, and the names of Hollywood actors and films. They knew how to order steak, what games and clothes were the coolest and they knew maybe just something about sports and major teams, which was more than me. This might all seem lame and honestly, it actually kind of is, as I now know that so many kids have had it way, way harder than I did and many also went through similar experiences. But for me, I felt like it was just me and it was a very lonely place to exist.
I didn’t know what people were talking about so much of the time from my own life experiences so dramatically polarizing theirs and rarely having any points of intersection. As a result, I didn’t have knowledge that related to what was acceptable conversation. So, I kept quiet. I didn’t know how to engage when there was no common ground. All that I had to share was either inapplicable to others or too vulnerable to be safe with almost anyone. In a lot of ways, I still battle feelings of thinking I have to play catch-up with learning what was going on during that time.
In college, I learned about Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs; which, if you’re unaware, is a theory in psychology which says that we seek first to meet the most foundational level needs before we move up the pyramid to the psychological and self-fulfillment needs. I was surviving. My mother was kicking ass the best she could with the cards in her deck, but she was surviving, and as a result of us seeking to meet our fundamental needs, what I had in my conversational tool-kit for connecting with others in order to build relationships was substantially limited for what was socially acceptable conversation among my peers.
I started to watch people. I became a chameleon. I learned how to act and what to say; and if I didn’t know, I avoided. I was agreeable and I blended in. Unless my emotions broke free by accident, I hid. In order to hide, I constantly compared. I compared myself and judged myself, so that I would know how to adapt. I actually became a pretender in many ways; an imposter. I built a shell to protect myself. And despite the fact that there are many variations in degree, this is what teenagers do. We learn in our adolescence to do what it takes to attempt to meet our need for love and acceptance. We have at that point made a lot of decisions about the world and we use what we know and what we have decided as we formulate who we will present ourselves as in this world, so we can survive, thrive or somewhere in the middle. If at this point, we are under the impression that we are not enough, then we choose to present a version we find acceptable. This version becomes our imposter that we try to hold up against all odds at any cost; and we judge ourselves to this false image constantly. We compare to others, to our false selves, and we continue to feed the imposter.
Even as I write this, I hear the voice knocking. I hear the voice telling me “Who are you kidding? Who is this going to help? You’re no expert!” But to that voice I will NOT surrender. I am done surrendering to the voice of lies that tries to take over my life and hinder my success. I tell my story not to gain pity, I know my story is not the only one of this kind and many are much deeper; NO, I tell my story to help you break the chains of your own imposter syndrome.
Today, I wanted to talk about this because just showing up and talking about the existence of imposter syndrome in our lives is powerful. So much of the authority in the lies that go through our heads have to do with the loneliness; hearing the lies all alone; trying to hide from the voices and hide the fact that they exist from other people; thinking that it’s the hiding that protects us, when in reality it’s the hiding that keeps us from really being seen and heard; it’s the hiding that keeps us from the very thing that helps us to become free from those lies that bind us.
The idea here is that, just as we each have a hero inside, we each have a bully inside of us as well. Behind this imposter syndrome is a bully that tells us these lies; that tells us that we aren’t good enough; tells us that we don’t deserve what we have; sees all of our weaknesses and uses them against us as evidence to boost the velocity of the imposter’s voice. We have to stand up to the Bully. It is not easy when we have been living under this power our whole lives, but it is possible, and sunshine, we are going to work on this. Just like a real Bully, changing the way we respond to the Bully doesn’t necessarily make the Bully disappear, but it does weaken the Bully’s voice and power and make it harder for the Bully to hijack our minds in the future. Our thought world is a precious resource in our lives. It is one of our most valuable resources. It is where we exist and it’s where our happiness is possible. We need to protect it as best we can.
So, what can we do about this?
We can do this by working on specific patterns and habits:
First, we need to stop comparing. We are not other people, and working towards admiring people and keeping that from snowballing into a comparison that ends in a value judgment is incredibly important. I know for me I often find myself pulled into all sorts of body comparisons when I go on Instagram or Facebook, or when I happen to peruse a magazine at the cash register. I have been working very hard on my relationship with my body; in appreciating and nurturing it and loving it for all it makes and has made possible, and yet I can still very easily find myself drawn to images of the youthful slender bodies of perfectly posed Instagramers and then find myself downcast in a mountain of shame feeling less than after listening to thoughts that compared her breasts to mine; or her slender thighs to mine; or her flawless complexion to mine. I can find myself overcome by small and growing fears, like “what if those people who used to tell me how fit I was pre-motherhood saw me now, they would say I let myself go… I would be found out and I would lose my value”. Or, “Would my husband have married me ten years ago if he knew I would look like this now”? None of this is not helpful. Stop comparing. Each time you find yourself comparing yourself to another for ANY reason; stop, and write down what is authentically wonderful about this person you are comparing yourself to and what is beautiful about you. You see, when we start to loath ourselves, we don’t love others more or better. No, we envy them. And envy is the enemy to love because not only does it keep us from really seeing and loving them, but it causes us to reject ourselves. When we reject ourselves, we don’t have grace and real love to give others. So, try to start this practice and see how good it feels.
I also recommend that you take a break from the main sources of your comparison if this is something you can do. If you can take a break from social media to put this into practice with other less constant comparison triggers for a while as it becomes a habit, that will be very helpful… this is something I have to do regularly.
Also, we can allow ourselves to really understand that this is an element of perfectionism and that they fuel each other. We can start to see that our value is not within our achievements but just is. We were not created to be lovable when we do X Y Z. We were created to be loved and to go on loving. In pure love we were created and that is where our value lies, nowhere else. When we start to learn to accept who we are apart from any part of an image, we can begin to let go of having to do it all perfectly, and thus feeling that anything less than perfect renders us unworthy and at risk of losing our value.
We can also work on disarming the power of the Imposter Syndrome in our thought world by talking about it when it rears its ugly head. It helps significantly to find an anti-bully buddy. I’m not kidding here. It is super helpful to have a friend, or several, that are emotionally safe for you to talk to when you’re having these hard times. To have someone you can text when you feel ashamed of who you really are, thinking that you’re just not enough and afraid of being exposed. Shame makes people think, say and do crazy stupid things. The crazy stupid things we do and say when we are immersed in shame, reinforce the very beliefs that are resulting in the feelings of shame. Don’t allow your mistakes and imperfections to be a verdict in your life. You can be accountable for your actions without choosing to allow those actions to define you. Find someone that you can share in these moments with. You can even open up the conversation specifically to this, saying that when you are in a shame cycle, or a cycle where your bully is disrupting your world, you WILL reach out to each other and you WILL be there for each other. This eliminates the second guessing during the time of need, and this will eliminate the worry when you do reach out and don’t hear a response right away. When I text my sister, or certain friends in my shame cycles or when my imposter syndrome is trying to take me down, I literally feel better just while typing it out. I already feel heard and I already feel the lies weakened BEFORE I’ve even sent the text. Find your anti-bully buddy.
Another step we can take; something we need to stop doing is, we need to stop dismissing our achievements and abilities. What we have done and what we do well. We can stop criticizing ourselves and stop putting ourselves down.
I can’t tell you how many times I have met incredible women, who have told me they were not beautiful, or that they were not smart enough or whatever else they felt was lacking. So many of the times it seemed as though they felt obligated to say these things. I feel like it’s not been acceptable for women to own their worthiness throughout history, but we are in an age where the women of our planet are being empowered and awakening in flocks. This idea of owning our worthiness doesn’t mean we become arrogant, but I think this is where the line is blurry for so many. It’s like there is a belief out there that if a woman is confident and doesn’t put herself down, she is full of herself. That is absolute Garbage. And on the flip side, my version of humility does NOT mean you think you are less than. Screw that. You are a child of God. You are a created being full of life and blessing. You are totally imperfect and you don’t need to hide, because sister we are all imperfect. You don’t need to think less of yourself. It is possible to be confident AND humble. Knowing we are enough, that we are loved and lovable, and owning that IS NOT the same as thinking that we are somehow more loved or more worthy of love than others. That is arrogance, and I am willing to risk my imposter syndrome trying to throw lies my way all day long to own this truth. I am enough. You are enough. You are beautiful, powerful, imperfect and enough.
Yes, to find joy we also must be grateful and acknowledge that we have incredible blessing and that not every thing that happens is because of something that we have done. Thank God for me. I do believe God is the giver of blessings. But I will do my best to own my role in this life. I will not be a victim and I will not accept the lies. I will do my best not to be lazy and to accept both when I rise up and when I fall and be accountable for the results of both. But as much as I will not dismiss my failures, I will not dismiss my success. I will seek to find the value of each step in my journey with gratitude and confident humility, even though sometimes I will act totally contrary to what I desire to be and sometimes I just won’t want to do my best. That won’t be a justification to shame myself anymore. I won’t be arrogant enough to believe that I am the creator of the source of this life-giving energy making all of this possible, but I won’t waste the energy that God is giving me on thoughts that make me or the mission God has given me smaller. I will fall, and I will rise up; I will rise up and I will fall. But, through it all, I am enough. You are enough. Stop calling yourself ugly, stupid, or lazy. Stop saying it was luck, chance, or that it could happen to anybody. Stop throwing compliments around in envy while loathing your own incredible being, and recognize that God has filled you with blessings even if you can’t see them yet. We all have habits that need improving. We all have things about ourselves we know others would not like if they saw our thought world naked. Guess what, that’s why we can’t read each-others minds. I am NOT nice all of the time. Some of the narratives that go on in my head are downright horrible, and that doesn’t make me unloved or unlovable. It makes me HUMAN dammit. It makes me an example of what happens when God makes a radically imperfect beautiful being in his image, that wants to mimic her father but isn’t freaking GOD. You are not God. But you are not a mistake. Own your actions, good and bad, without shame or a verdict. They are for growth and learning and you, SISTER, YOU are for loving.
Don’t ever forget that.
I hope you take these words and the connections you’ve made into your week with a whole new perspective and an awareness of the way you see yourself and the way you see the world around you. Have an incredible week full of laughter, joy and maybe some good cleansing tears.
Sincerely,
Holly Ann Kasper
The Radical Imperfectionist
