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In this episode, I share my experiences with judgement and how debilitating the pervasive mindsets can be. I share some pivotal paradigm shifts around this idea and a few practical tips on how you can start implementing the shift toward embracing yourself and freedom in your every day life.
TRANSCRIPT:
Hello Everyone and welcome back! This is my second podcast episode and blog post, after the intro I gave last week and I’m just really grateful to have this platform to connect with all of you. I wanted to mention my style because I really just write in a way that feels authentic to me; it’s directed at you individually, and I often will jump around a bit as I would in conversation. I am not concerned with Language Arts and writing in a way acceptable to a literary professor. I call my friends “sunshine” and other endearing terms organically because it is a way of showing the way I feel. It’s just part of me, and you’ll get used to it; I promise. I just want to speak to you, so that’s how I’ll write and speak, and if you find it your jam and engaging… fantastic, keep listening. And If not, no worries either.
Most of what I write about comes down to what I consider to be the most foundational need we have which allows us to thrive; the need for real unconditional Love and Acceptance. This is the basis for all of this path and healing. For so long I tried to make Love and Acceptance a part of my life through force, not through actually doing the work on myself. I did not realize that this love and acceptance are only able to get in, it’s only possible to be felt, if my thoughts are aligned with them. Unless we are able to shift our thinking, we will never actually love or accept ourselves; and unless we do this for ourselves, we will never be able to do this for others.
I am a mother of two young boys, now 5 and 7 ½. Aside from being a wife and best friend of my amazing husband; Being their mother has been my most cherished role in my life so far. It has equally been the hardest role… by far. Those of you that aren’t parents, hold on with me, as this is not just about parenting. This is about being, it’s about what I’ll call “people-ing”. I think we all go through this in different ways and areas of life. It’s not about the role’s name, it’s about the thoughts and the process.
When I was about to have my first son, I thought I knew everything (I found most important) that I wanted to do with him from a perfectionist standpoint; I “knew” he would eat healthy; I wanted to homeschool; I would not do all of the things I had made a mental note of for so long that were “bad parenting”. I was also going to be a health coach that would help mothers have healthy pregnancies and families. These expectations and ideas were great in one way, as they forced me to take the leap into parenting and to studying nutrition and health more deeply; but, as I later realized, I placed them on myself as burdens and constantly judged and measured myself to these impossible standards. I just had to perfect this mission or I would not succeed; and if I did not succeed, I was a failure and not enough. That was my way of thinking.
We all have learned ways of being; we make decisions along the way without conscious awareness of these decisions; or maybe we do know of these decisions but are unaware often of the underlying beliefs and thoughts tied to the decision; not realizing that these beliefs and thoughts creating patterns of decisions are there from our brain in order to try to protect us. But they often work against us.
Over years and in many ways, I felt so incredibly broken as a parent. I felt incapable and I had anger and shame because I didn’t understand why I knew how I wanted to be but why I “couldn’t” just be and do things that way. I judged myself on falling short to be this perfect example of health for other women while I could barely keep from feeling completely useless and exhausted, on the brink of a break down. I felt like being a mother broke me. I was resentful that I couldn’t enjoy it. But I simultaneously felt deep shame for these feelings which I felt weren’t fair to my children or husband; and I saw them as myself being ungrateful for my blessed life. I was angry that I was so tired. I was jealous of other mothers who just seemed to know what they were doing. Parenting never came naturally to me. It was so freaking hard people. I didn’t sleep. My baby didn’t sleep. I couldn’t stop him from crying. I felt incapable of being present with him. I couldn’t prevent his bumps and bruises; the power struggles still happened. He didn’t want to eat the healthy food…. One thing after another. I loved him with all of my heart, but only to the extent that was possible for me to love him, because I felt unlovable myself. I was ashamed with how hard this was for me. This had been my dream and my passion. I felt weak and so incredibly insecure.
And then a whole world of judgement opened up. Other moms… Oh my goodness, seriously, the whole world of being judged in my world as a mom, and then by other moms. I had felt like I wasn’t enough in many areas of my life for much of my life. But I was great at focusing on the positive to try to “perfectionist” my way to worthiness and greatness. I had this incredible little bundle of joy and yet, just getting up each day in the morning and being connected to him was so hard. The narrative in my head of my failure got louder as I met mom after mom, in real life on Facebook and began to judge myself based on her. I would make assumptions of what they thought of me based on what my narrator said of me inside my own head; then I would make decisions of how to “fix” that image I was presenting so that nobody would think badly of me. God forbid… I was overwhelmed. It was a full-time job just simmering in these constant thoughts. I had always been incredibly independent; earning a living and providing for myself. I had always been able to control enough, and now I was no longer earning financially and I had a never-ending narrative in my head giving me no breaks. I had no idea why it was so hard and all of the unchecked thoughts poured in creating more data for my enemy narrative to run amuck inside.
As I was beginning to lose hope, we finally started to sleep… My son was 18 months old and I finally began sleeping more than an hour and a half at a time. He began sleeping all night and I got time with my husband and I got some rest and I thought, “awesome, now I can begin again to take control!” I felt a new vigor. I had wanted more children and since it took me a while to conceive my first son (this is a whole other story) we just tried once my cycles came back. The first month we tried, my second cycle, I got pregnant… and bam, I got knocked down again. No energy, nausea, food aversions, discomfort, pregnancy acne, and a full-blown toddler! The thoughts were compounding and it wasn’t getting easier. We then moved out of state and I had my second son, and holy macaroni, my world was rocked. Anybody who knows me knows I adore these little monkeys but it just took more than I had to give to be a mother. I did it anyway; I did all that I could and more to be their mother, snapping every so often and just screaming. I slept when I could and my marriage was so exhausted. I went into major emotional debt compounded by sleep loss and lack of any self-care; trying to pour out onto those around me that which I didn’t have myself.
I share this story because it was a pivotal point for me in my life and change. I could either continue to be destroyed by my own thoughts, my assumptions of the thoughts of those around me and those who knew me; or I could change those thoughts. I didn’t know how, but I was determined.
We all have these stories. I know you’ve been there. It didn’t look the same for you, but life is not easy for any of us that have lived at all. It can be simple, but wow it is not easy. And for some of us it is even harder given our lack of awareness or skills or just simply things we didn’t get to learn as kids. This doesn’t mean our parents failed us, it just means we all have had different paths, and some are more prepared for some experiences than others. We have all been there in some area of our lives.
I tell this story to share with you my heart. Because on Facebook and Instagram, I typically presented to the world only the best moments and best sides of me. There was deep loneliness when I wasn’t sharing the struggles. And as I began to open up to friends and allow my vulnerability to expose the lies that I had in my head, I began to realize that I wasn’t alone. I began to get to know friends of mine on a deeper level than I had ever known friends and to hear their vulnerabilities and where they felt like they were failing and I felt like I could breathe again.
I want this to be a place for you to feel like you can breathe again. I want you to know that no matter what it is you feel like your drowning in internally, that you aren’t the first and we are in this together. I want to really do this with you, to encourage you and to wake you up to some paradigm shifting thoughts; thoughts that have changed and are still working to change my life for the better.
Wherever you are on your path. Whether it’s with children, your spouse, your attempts at finding true love, your job, or any other part of your journey, the narrative that’s running your life can be changed.
To do this we need to make some fundamental paradigm shifts. One of these shifts that has been monumental for me has to do with the ideas around judgement. The burden of judgement is something that held me down and crushed me so easily for my whole life.
It wasn’t until I learned a couple of things that I was able to find real freedom, and sister, this is a journey… I’m not there yet completely. I’m still trudging along next to you and will keep on going.
First, I learned that we all judge… which we know; but remove the shame from this concept for just a moment. We all judge as a way of processing information, it’s a matter of survival. It’s a matter of design. Our brain is literally constantly subjected to input. It can only handle a portion of it. Our brain has to assess situations, filter out most of what’s available, but allow certain input. Based on what our brain has already learned; it decides what input will be let in for processing. Then it needs to make sense of it. It assesses the input and makes judgements in order to know what to do with the information. Our brain is a ridiculously smart computer. It takes what it’s given and acts on it, categorizing and filing information but it has to judge in order to go forward.
Knowing this helps the shift. We are all judging all of the time, without negative intention, our brains are making sense of the world around us. Our brains are doing there best given the input our brain has had and patterns of processing. Knowing this helps in two ways; 1 it helps us to realize that we all judge naturally as a way of processing information and making decisions; it’s not just that others are judging me, but that I am judging others. And 2, It is not something to be ashamed of (bear with me as there is more to this). Shame never helps us here. We can take responsibility for our judgmental nature but separate it from shame so that we can make progress and not be held back and burdened by shame ,unable to see what’s really going on.
Second; I learned something that is very key, and until I sat with this one, chewed on it, and really let it settle, I couldn’t really focus on my internal narrative as much. This is the fact that what other people think of me IS NOT MY BUSINESS…. (thank you Rachel Hollis). Not only is it not my business but IT’S NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY OR MY FAULT.. Let me repeat this for you so hopefully you can allow it to sink in. What other people think of you IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS and IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY OR FAULT! What you think of me, matters to you; it doesn’t matter to me. The only time what someone else thinks of me matters to me, is when I think lowly of myself, and I am looking outside for validation of my worth.
This brings me to my third point. This one is critical here. Unless you let these sink in, you’ll never really realize that it’s what you think of YOURSELF which is driving all of it. If you are allowing a negative dialogue to run rampant unchecked in your head, then you will be drowning in life. Without love and acceptance, we are like a fish out of water flopping around and dying. If we don’t love and accept ourselves, whether that comes from inside yourself or starts with God’s love for you; then we will constantly be dragged into the enemy narrative which perpetuates the lie; and you will be driven to find a false love or acceptance from outside of yourself; you’ll be trying desperately to be what you perceive is good enough on the outside to achieve that acceptance.
It sounds easier said than done, and frankly it really is. BUT it’s far from impossible.
I have wanted a blog and podcast for years, and what held me back until recently was this very idea. The idea of putting myself out there and finding rejection. None of us want to feel rejected. But until I realized that the only opinion that matters for me is what I think of me and what God thinks of me, I was imprisoned by this fear. I realized that I couldn’t actually help anybody else with these sometimes-debilitating fears, until I fully accept what is and let go of other people’s opinions.
An interesting thing to this point is that regardless of what other people do or don’t think of you, you’ll never really know; what matters to you and makes you feel judged is the narrative you allow in your head, and it’s empowered by the thoughts you allow to become beliefs. That other person could be admiring your hair or hating it, but if the narration inside that your hearing says that your hair is beautiful and you’re enough regardless of whether you even had hair or not, then it really doesn’t matter what they think, does it?
There are always two narrators inside; There is your child self, and there is the enemy.
When we were very young children, we had not yet been so tainted by the ideas of what other people thought of us as to have a negative narrative always working to bring us down. Barring major early childhood trauma, we had dreams and didn’t see why we couldn’t achieve them. That’s our child self. Our hero. The one that sees who we want to be as who we are and is never living in the past or future but in manifested love and passion.
Then there is a narrative inside of each of us that we are battling against and it is the one that wants to keep us down. It’s the one that questions our worthiness and rattles our core. As we grew up and heard mean things, many of us held onto those lies and they became a fueling quote for that harmful narrative; food to strengthen and reinforce the lies that the narrator tells. We reinforce what the narrator says when we listen to it. Our brain will make assessments based on this a pattern of thought perpetuated by the lies, and it will use it against us like evidence in a courtroom, that this lie is true. When you drop a glass of water, the narrator says “See, you are clumsy! Your boss was right!”
But guess what? That free and worthy child is still inside of you and always has been… ready to be liberated. The lies are just that, lies.
I am a great mom, and you are a great “fill-in-the-blank”. I am a completely imperfect mom who messes up and sometimes yells at my kids, says things messy, doesn’t hold limits, holds them too strong, and doesn’t always really listen to their hearts. But I’m still enough. I do my best every moment and choose to feed the narrative that I am enough; that this imperfection is good; that my mistakes are opportunities; that being perfect is not ideal, and not possible; that I love being imperfect.
Instead of holding tight to the lies that held me back from writing this blog and recording this podcast, I choose to both recognize the truth that this podcast won’t be for everyone; that not everyone will love it; that’s it is very vulnerable to put myself out there in this way, or any way that I choose to be authentically me; BUT that, you know what, the risk is so heavily worth the reward that some people will love it; that some people will find the healing and peace and love and empathy they’re looking for right here in this risky work;
And when we realize that all people judge; that it’s not personal (it’s within oneself that we judge – It’s not even reflective of others); and that it’s none of our business what other people think of us, or our fault or responsibility what they think of us really… then sunshine, we are free to be that self that is a hero and a beautifully imperfect being of light.
This is a huge step to embracing ourselves. It’s powerful and I hope you will move towards this with me.
So, here are some ways you can try, if you would like, to shift toward accepting the idea that other people’s opinions of you are not your business or your fault:
- When you find yourself trapped in a narrative in your head; try not to struggle to control it; allow the narrative but try to be like a fly on the wall and listen to the narrative. Then welcome the other helper narrative to pipe in. Allow this helper to talk about these thoughts with the enemy narrative. Doing this on paper will be helpful for some. For me it is extremely helpful to write it out. So much healing is found in contemplative writing. Ask yourself, “Is the thought helpful or hurtful? Is it about other people’s opinions?” If so, remind yourself gently that it’s not your business what they think of you. Acknowledge your feelings about the thoughts. And then think about what your life would be like if you didn’t have the thought. Journaling can really help for this part because a lot of times these thoughts are thoughts you have had since you were a child. That child is always still inside of you and it helps to give that child a voice. Giving your inner child a voice and acknowledging the feelings, that perhaps weren’t accepted when you were a child, either by others or by yourself, can be incredibly healing. And please let the tears come if they start. That too is both profoundly liberating and healing.
When you learn of the thoughts that are limiting you, you can start to consider the idea that thoughts are always a choice. We will go into this in another episode and post but for now just let that stew. Thoughts are a choice. They invoke emotion and result in action aligned with those thoughts and emotions.
- You can also try meditation. Yes, this can be intimidating for some but I promise it’s not as tricky as it seems. Don’t try to get rid of the thoughts. Simply sit and listen to them. Practice not allowing them to take you down the rabbit whole but hearing them as an outsider. I will be creating some guided meditations and audio affirmations on various topics including this one soon.
The meditations will be simple in nature by topic, but guided to help you on the path of feeding and empowering the narrative that actually helps you; and hearing the other narrative in order to grow and understand why you feel how you feel, but not allowing yourself to be taken away by the narrative emotionally and in action.
- Thirdly, you can write down in a journal what
you would love to be. What roles would
you like to play and how would you like to play those roles. Who is YOUR best version of YOU. This is not being in-authentic,
but rather getting to the core of your true being; who you were made to
be. Write how that person would be, act,
think, feel. Stop focusing on what you
are not doing “right” and focus on the person you really are. If you can focus on the person buried below
all of the self-doubt and fears, you will start to shift the way you think and
the way you act little by little, but not until you have a clear vision of how
that person thinks, acts, and feels. The
more you do this, the more you’ll find clarity and freedom. You’ll be amazed as you start to find
distance between the thought and the emotional reaction.
You’ve got this sunshine! You are enough. Have a wonderful week, full of moments of authenticity where you allow yourself to come out and embrace what makes you wonderfully imperfect.
Until Next time, This is Holly Ann Kasper, the Radical Imperfectionist!
