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Hello My Friends!!! 2020 is almost here. The holiday season can feel like we have found ourselves on a treadmill going fast… one that we never remembered choosing to step on… but we don’t have to be taken along for the ride. This season, I am sharing some tips that I’m arming myself with going into the season so that I can make space for what matters and remain in the drivers seat as much as possible when it comes to my headspace. I will be taking some much needed time off this week to connect with my incredible husband as we celebrate 10 years of marriage, and am incredibly excited. I hope that this more brief episode still fills you up and inspires you and that you too find time to connect with loved ones and reflect on what matters the most. Have an incredible week my friends and enjoy!
TRANSCRIPT:
As the holidays approach each year, I am often challenged by a pool of emotions. This year is different as the way I work has been habitually changed by major thought work. It is however, still, not perfect. I still struggle and I still have habitual thoughts that come through my brain and this year is no exception. It is awesome to have the tools I now do at my disposal. I am going to be incredibly intentional going into the new year. I am amazed that we are approaching the year 2020. I remember thinking about this many times past or hearing that by the year 2020 (fill in the blank) in the past, and to think that this is less than 60 days away at this point, just blows my mind. This is a time when people choose to start to thinking about intentions, and what they want their lives to look like. This is what I hope for too, but I also want this to not just be an annual thing; or a decade thing; but a monthly, weekly, and even daily reflection and assessment.
The thoughts I have been noticing enter my mind are habitual thoughts that often cause struggle for me, or have regularly throughout my life. So I am setting some intentions of what I want to focus on; what I want to remember, to help me manage my mind through this season that often includes a lot of challenges with my mindset. These are things I am noticing I need and thus, I am going to remind you of this week as you prepare to go through the season as well; with your own set of challenging thoughts… and whether they overlap mine or not, I believe these will be helpful for most of us.
I am about to take a much needed break with my husband. This week we celebrate 10 years of marriage, and we are taking some time to connect, just the two of us, in Mexico. I am so excited, and yet this trip is bringing up thoughts that produce anxiety and fear. I am recognizing the thoughts; I am aware of them and not running from them because I notice them for what they are. The emotions they produce don’t scare me anymore; the fear from the thoughts I am not afraid of… that sounds silly doesn’t it? But I am not. I am not afraid of feeling fear anymore. I am grateful. Often, this fear tells me that I need to do the thing I am scared of doing, because it is sometimes just what I need. But running from the fear, rather than facing it, just traps me in the terrible lie that I am believing or entertaining, which is what produces the fear in the first place. So, I am leaning into this new experience; letting go of what I can’t control and embracing the beautiful blessing. I have also been struggling with thoughts about my body. Around the holidays, it becomes increasingly harder for me to resist entertaining the lies that connect my worth with my appearance. If you struggle here, you are not alone. We can admit that those thoughts come. Recognizing that they come from what society has told us since birth, and then feed ourselves on the truth. I know my body is my ally. I know how blessed I am to be able to walk and breathe, and any lie about our bodies is the bully trying to take over our power. Trying to steal our thoughts. I have needed a shift lately as well. I need some down time. I need time to connect with my husband as my partner, my best friend, my lover. I need time to be more vulnerable with him and to look at him the way I want to. With unconditional love, curiosity, and seeking to understand. I recognize that Love is not a place we are in, and then fall out of… it’s a verb… an action word. Love is a choice. We get to choose to love. We get to choose to accept. So, today I am making these choices. So you will hear less from me over the next week, and really this month; the month of December, I will be getting even more clear on my path; on my intentions; on my priorities, and doing less of the busy, and more of the being. I want to walk my talk, so that I can actually help those in my life; and that requires that I humbly accept when my balance is off, and this is me again right now. I am embracing it as I work toward connection with myself, my life, my creator and those around me. So… let’s dive right in. Today, is a simple day. I will just leave you with 10 tips for thought work this holiday season and I hope that you find some peace and inspiration in some or all of them.
1. Recognize that you have an inner
critic, and treat the voice of the critic like you would a bully. Knowing that what the bully says is coming
from pain and will only perpetuate pain.
Realize that you have an inner hero also and when you are struggling,
you are listening to the critic and not the hero. You can switch which one you listen to and
will find peace.
2. Everybody has tough moments, times, and days. Accept that you will still struggle and that this doesn’t mean you are failing, but that you are human. Just recognizing this as a fact and not an indication that you are failing can really help you to move past the tough times with more presence and awareness… because to do that you need grace. Understanding that thought work doesn’t eliminate the challenging thoughts, it just gives you tools to handle them.
3. Your body is part of your team. As the holidays approach, you will face a lot of messages from everywhere… telling you what to eat, what not to. Telling you that you should feel guilty about this or that. Your body is enough as it is. No matter what anybody says, or what you have chosen to accept and agree with throughout your life. Try to remind yourself of this regularly throughout the season; your body is on your side. It is awesome and it is enough. Accepting your body and learning to appreciate and love it, is a huge key in thought work. This is actually where it all started for me; it’s not a minor detail, but a critical element. Your body is where the signals come from, via emotions and sensations. Your body is making all of it possible. Show your body gratitude and love, grace and acceptance. Honor your body. Appreciate all that it does for you and this will be a much better season.
4. Everything we buy, want to buy, or think we need, has an emotional charge for us. By this I mean, we have thoughts about these things. About what they will do for us; about how they will make us happy or whatever we think they will provide. Start to notice the beliefs you have about things, and take space between the thoughts of what you want, what you have, what you think you need; and acting… whether it’s purchasing or trashing. Recognizing that buying things holds with it beliefs that our society as a whole has accepted that the things will bring happiness, and then often lead to disappointment. Just try to practice recognizing the thoughts of what you think something means before you buy it, or add it to your busy schedule. There is nothing wrong with things or buying them, just recognizing what having them represents for us in our thought world can be helpful on this journey.
5. Just as winter is a season, everything has a season. Winter is a season where things rest, some things end, things are preparing for new life. The sun goes down earlier; the leaves have fallen from the trees; the bears are in hibernation. Think about the fact that every part of your life has a season. What needs your attention this season? What needs a rest? What is not serving you and what can you let go of? What have you been waiting to start, and how can you prepare for that this season? Allow your thoughts to be less consumed by what you must do, and more consumed with your dreams and visions for your life. Enjoy it.
6. Remember that all of it is a choice. Even with what you cannot control, you have a choice. You can choose to resist what you can’t control, surrendering your power and consuming your time and energy by those things, or you can accept what is beyond your control without resistance and focus on what you can control. Remember, this includes your thoughts and actions. Your thoughts result in emotions and your actions will result in outcomes in your life. You are not in control of the future, the past, other people, or the world. You are not God. That is a good thing. Own that. Settle into it, and recognize this when you are consumed by feelings of fear and anxiety about something you can’t control. You get to choose to focus on this, or shift your attention.
7. Nobody is perfect. Perfection is not possible for us Humans. Aside from God, it is literally torture to hold yourself to an impossible standard. Instead of focusing on what you didn’t do perfect, focus on what you learned. When you start to do this for yourself, you will start to do this for others naturally, because just as pain perpetuates pain, love perpetuates love. Whatever you are consumed in, will flow easily to the world around you. Grace allows for imperfection, and allows for real love.
8. Understand that you will be bombarded by other people’s thoughts, opinions, agendas, choices and expectations more than normal. The holidays are a cluster of advertising, tradition, pressure, and more… It can be a lot. But it can also be beautiful. You can protect your mind a little by working to limit the incoming, but you will face it in the world, so give yourself more time to notice your thoughts and to journal or process those thoughts with trusting and loving friends. You might get carried away from time to time; breathe… say thanks… notice the thoughts… dissect them… forgive yourself and others and move forward.
9. The best gifts you can give anybody else in your life is your presence. The best way to be present with others is to be present with yourself. The best way to be present with yourself is to give yourself time and care. Notice what you need. Make it happen. If you need time; sleep; a bath; a good book, make it happen. I get how hard it is. But you DO have a choice usually, and often we don’t decide to nourish our hearts and souls and then we are drowning when we go out into the world. You know what you need. Do a little at a time. Don’t shame yourself for failing at self-care. Understand that it is about baby habits that compound, and take baby steps to build those baby habits. It is not about the perfect present; it is about really being here and now as much as possible. You’ll still hear thoughts. You’ll still wrestle with them. You won’t be perfectly here. You are not supposed to stop the thoughts. The goal is to be in your day. Reflect on them at the end of the day, soak them in and this will amp up your mood, energy, attention to what matters and motivation to continue on. IT will also shift the filters in your brain to focus on more of this stuff going forward.
10. Find your mental happy place and give yourself permission to go there daily. What is the best bang for your buck lately; what activities can you do physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually that fill your thoughts with truth and love? What reminds you of what helps you to spiral up in your life? Start a regular ritual of that thing. Whether it’s a morning walk, or sitting with a glass of water and drinking it slowly for five minutes. Maybe this means you watch a romantic comedy, laugh and cry. Maybe it means you journal. Maybe you read your bible or a spiritual text that lifts you up and reminds you of how precious you are. Make this a safe haven that you can anchor back to and recharge every day during this season. This doesn’t always have to be the same thing. Maybe it’s several and you make sure to do one of them daily. For me, it’s going for a walk, meditating, journaling, dissecting thoughts, taking a long hot bath with Epsom salts and stretching. If you can have this tool kit of things that fill your cup, then you can regularly fill yourself up, even if it’s just for a couple of minutes. You won’t always be able to do all of them; again, you’re not failing; you’re living a real life with real challenges. Do your best and be your own cheerleader. If you can take space with your thoughts for even a few minutes a day, to see what they are, ask if they are from love and truth or from lies, pain, and fear; you will see compounded results. If it’s thoughts about what you can’t control, you are choosing to waste your power and life on what you can’t change. You get to choose what thoughts you agree with. Make agreements with thoughts that help you and your life and break up with agreements that you realize you have that are keeping you from loving yourself and others. Agreements that are keeping you stuck in fear, shame, anger, jealousy, and any other lonely challenging feelings. The feelings are the signal. They are truth tellers, unveiling where you are living internally.
Remember, that you are not supposed to do all of the things; or be all of the everything for everyone. You are just supposed to be where you are, focusing on love and acceptance. Dreaming, loving, and living a life that is full and beautiful and radically imperfect.
I hope that this fills you up a little for the week. Please know how grateful I am to walk along this journey with you. I will update you all on the resources that I am putting together. Stay tuned, as I am working on a workbook about letting go of other people’s everything to live a radically free life as you embrace yourself. I am also going to be putting together a class for those of you that wish to dig deeper. I’ll update you more as this comes along. I am also working on updating my website, but this will take a little more time, so feel free to send me an email at theradicalimperfectionist@gmail.com in the mean time or through my page on Instagram. I can’t wait to hear from you; let me know what you’re struggling with; your victories; your pain; your story. I would love to get to know you more. Thank you for sharing your stories with me. I appreciate each and every one of them and value the community we are creating together. Remember, that you are loved and lovable and always have been… and that you’re not alone. I am in this with you. Have a wonderful week, and happy ALMOST thanksgiving!
This is Holly Ann Kasper,
The Radical Imperfectionist.